SIRC Guide To Flirting | Page 9

as obvious as a return of your arm-touch, but watch
for other positive body-language signals, such as increased eye-contact, moving closer to you,
more open posture or postural echo, more smiling, etc. Your arm-touch may even prompt an
increase in verbal intimacy, so listen for any disclosure of personal information, or more personal
questions.
If you see or hear signs of a positive reaction to your arm-touch, you can, after a reasonable
interval, try another arm-touch, this time slightly less fleeting. If this results in a further escala-
tion of verbal or non-verbal intimacy from your companion, you might consider moving to the
next stage: a hand-touch.
Remember that a hand-touch, unless it is the conventional handshake of greeting or parting, is
much more personal than an arm-touch. By touching your companion’s hand, you are opening
negotiations towards a higher degree of intimacy, so keep it light and brief: a question, not an
order.
A negative reaction to your hand-touch, such as the non-verbal signals of displeasure or anxiety
mentioned above, does not necessarily mean that your companion dislikes you, but it is a clear
indication that your attempt to advance to the next level of intimacy is either premature or unwel-
come. A very positive reaction, involving a significant increase in verbal or non-verbal intimacy,
can be taken as permission to try another hand-touch at an appropriate moment.
Highly positive reactions to a second hand-touch – such as a definite and unambiguous attempt
to move closer to you, reciprocal arm- and hand-touching, along with significantly more personal
questions, more disclosure of personal information and more expression of emotion – can be
taken as permission to proceed, with caution, to a higher level of intimacy. The next stages might
involve a hand-squeeze or hand-hold, repeated twice before moving on to an arm over the shoul-
ders, or perhaps a brief knee-touch. (Males should note, however, that positive reactions to any of
these touches can not be taken as permission to grope.)
You will have noticed that we advise performing each touch two times before progressing to the
next level. This is because repeating the same touch, perhaps with a slightly longer duration,

allows you to check that reactions are still positive, that you were not mistaken in your judge-
ment that the touch was acceptable. The repetition also tells your companion that the first touch
was not accidental or unconscious, that you are consciously negotiating for an increase in inti-
macy. Repeating the same touch before moving to the next level is a non-verbal way of saying
“Are you sure?”.
Vocal signals
You may be surprised to see this heading in the ‘Non-verbal flirting’ section, but ‘verbal’ means
‘words’ and vocal signals such as tone of voice, pitch, volume, speed of speech, etc. are like
body-language in that they are not about what you say, the words you use, but about how you say
it.
We noted at the beginning of this ‘non-verbal’ section that people’s first impressions of you are
based 55% on your appearance and body language, 38% on your style of speaking and only 7%
on what you actually say. In other words, body-language may be your most important ‘flirting
tool’, but vocal signals come a very close second. The more you think about that 38%, the more
concerned you will be to ensure that your vocal signals make the best possible impression. An
ability to ‘read’ the vocal signals of the person you are flirting with will also help you to find out
how he or she really feels about you.
Attraction and interest, for example, are communicated much more by the tone of voice than by
what is actually said. Depending on the tone, volume, speed and pitch, even a simple phrase such
as “Good evening” can convey anything from “Wow, you’re gorgeous” to “I find you totally
uninteresting and I’m looking for an excuse to get away from you as quickly as possible”.
If your target gives you a deep-toned, low pitched, slow, drawn-out “Good evening”, with a slight
rising intonation at the end, as though asking a question, this is probably an indication of attrac-
tion or at least interest. If you get a short, high-pitched, clipped “Good evening”, or a monotone,
expressionless version, your target is probably not interested in you.
Once you are in conversation, remember that the intonation of even a single word can communi-
cate an immense variety of emotions and meanings. As an experiment, try practising variations in
your intonation of the one-word response “Yeah”, and you will find that you can communicate
anything from enthusiastic agreement to grudging acceptance to varying degrees of scepticism to
total disbelief.
If you speak in a monotone, with little variation in pitch, pace or tone of voice, you will be per-
ceived as boring and dull, even if what you are saying is truly fascinating or exceptionally amus-
ing. Loud volume, a booming tone and too much variation in pitch will make you seem overbear-
ing. Speak too quietly or too slowly and you will seem submissive or even depressed. Aim for
moderation in volume and tone, with enough variation in pitch