SIRC Guide To Flirting | Page 8

show emotions more clearly in their facial expressions.
You are also likely to interpret expressions differently depending on who is making them. Experi-
ments have shown that people may read the same expression as ‘fear’ when they see it on a
female face, but as ‘anger’ when it appears on male face. There are also cultural and even re-
gional differences in the amount of emotion people express with their faces. Oriental people are
more likely than Westerners to hide their emotions under a ‘blank’ expression or a smile, for
example, and American researchers have found that in the US, Notherners smile less than people
from the South.

If an attractive stranger smiles at you, it could be that he or she finds you attractive, but he or she
could also be an outgoing, sociable person from a culture or region in which smiling is common-
place and not particularly meaningful.
These factors must also be taken into account when considering the effect of your own facial
expressions. People tend to be put off by levels of expressiveness that are considerably higher or
lower than what they are used to, so it could help to try to ‘match’ the amount of emotion you
express with your face to that of your target.
As a general rule, however, your face should be constantly informative during a flirtatious con-
versation. Unexpressiveness – a blank, unchanging face – will be interpreted as lack of interest
when you are listening and an absence of facial emphasis when you are speaking will be disturb-
ing and off-putting. You need to show interest and comprehension when listening, and to pro-
mote interest and comprehension when speaking, through facial signals such as eyebrows raised
to display surprise, as a question mark or for emphasis; the corners of the mouth turning up in
amusement; nodding to indicate agreement; frowning in puzzlement; smiling to show approval,
or to indicate that what you are saying should not be taken too seriously, and so on.
Fortunately, most of these facial signals are habitual, and do not have to be consciously manufac-
tured, but some awareness of your facial expressions can help you to monitor their effect and
make minor adjustments to put your target more at ease, for example, or hold his or her attention,
or increase the level of intimacy.
Finally, remember that your target is unlikely to be scrutinising you for tiny signs of insincerity,
so a ‘social’ smile will be infinitely more attractive than no smile at all.
Touch
Touching is a powerful, subtle and complex form of communication. In social situations, the
language of touch can be used to convey a surprising variety of messages. Different touches can
be used to express agreement, affection, affiliation or attraction; to offer support; to emphasise a
point; to call for attention or participation; to guide and direct; to greet; to congratulate; to estab-
lish or reinforce power-relations and to negotiate levels of intimacy.
Even the most fleeting touch can have a dramatic influence on our perceptions and relationships.
Experiments have shown that even a light, brief touch on the arm during a brief social encounter
between strangers has both immediate and lasting positive effects. Polite requests for help or
directions, for example, produced much more positive results when accompanied by a light touch
on the arm.
When flirting, it is therefore important to remember that the language of touch, if used correctly,
can help to advance the relationship, but that inappropriate use of this powerful tool could ruin
your chances forever.
Although there are considerable differences between cultures in the levels of touching that are
socially acceptable, and different personalities welcome different levels of touching, we can
provide a few basic rules-of-thumb for first encounters with strangers of the opposite sex.
The first rule, for both sexes, is: touch, but be careful. Women are much less comfortable about

being touched by an opposite-sex stranger than men, so men should take care to avoid any
touches which may seem threatening or over-familiar. Men are inclined to interpret women’s
friendly gestures as sexual invitations, so women should be equally careful to avoid giving
misleading signals with over-familiar touches.
This does not mean ‘don’t touch’, as appropriate touching will have positive benefits, but touch-
ing should initially be restricted to universally acceptable areas and levels. As a general rule, the
arm is the safest place to touch an opposite-sex stranger. (Back pats are equally non-sexual, but
are often perceived as patronising or overbearing.) A brief, light touch on the arm, to draw atten-
tion, express support or emphasise a point, is likely to be acceptable and to enhance your com-
panion’s positive feelings towards you.
If even this most innocuous of touches produces a negative reaction – such as pulling the arm
away, increasing distance, frowning, turning away or other expressions of displeasure or anxiety
– you might as well give up now. Unless your companion is exceptionally shy and reserved,
negative reactions to a simple arm-touch probably indicate dislike or distrust.
If your companion finds you likeable or attractive, a brief arm-touch should prompt some recip-
rocal increase in intimacy. This may not be