SIRC Guide To Flirting | Page 4

flirting; if your
signals of interest are too direct and obvious, they will mistake them for sexual availability.

Eye contact
Your eyes are probably your most important flirting tool. We tend to think of our eyes mainly as a
means of receiving information, but they are also extremely high-powered transmitters of vital
social signals. How you look at another person, meet his or her gaze and look away can make all
the difference between a successful, enjoyable flirtation and an embarrassing or hurtful encoun-
ter.
Eye contact – looking directly into the eyes of another person – is such a powerful, emotionally
loaded act of communication that we normally restrict it to very brief glances. Prolonged eye
contact between two people indicates intense emotion, and is either an act of love or an act of
hostility. It is so disturbing that in normal social encounters, we avoid eye contacts of more than
one second. Among a crowd of strangers in a public setting, eye contacts will generally last only
a fraction of second, and most people will avoid making any eye contact at all.
This is very good news for anyone wishing to initiate a flirtation with an attractive stranger. Even
from across a crowded room at a party, you can signal your interest in someone merely by mak-
ing eye contact and attempting to hold your target’s gaze for more than one second (not too much
more, though, or you will seem threatening). If your target maintains eye contact with you for
more than one second, the chances are that he/she might return your interest. If after this initial
contact, your target looks away briefly and then looks back to meet your gaze a second time, you
can safely assume that he/she is interested. If these eye contacts trigger a smile, you can approach
your target with some confidence.
If, on the other hand, your target avoids making eye contact with you, or looks away after a
fraction of a second and does not look back again, you should probably assume that your interest
is not returned. There is still the possibility that your target is just a very shy person – and some
females may be understandably wary of signalling any interest in male strangers. The only way to
find out is by close observation of your target’s behaviour towards others. Does she consistently
avoid direct eye-contact with men? Does he seem nervous, anxious or aloof in his interactions
with other women? If so, your target’s reluctance to meet your gaze may be nothing personal, and
it might be worth approaching, but only with considerable caution.
Once you have approached your target, you will need to make eye contact again in order to strike
up a conversation. As soon as your eyes meet, you may begin to speak. Once a conversation
begins, it is normal for eye contact to be broken as the speaker looks away. In conversations, the
person who is speaking looks away more than the person who is listening, and turn-taking is
governed by a characteristic pattern of looking, eye contact and looking away.
So, to signal that you have finished speaking and invite a response, you then look back at your
target again. To show interest while your target is speaking, you need to look at his/her face about
three-quarters of the time, in glances lasting between one and seven seconds. The person speak-
ing will normally look at you for less than half this time, and direct eye contact will be intermit-
tent, rarely lasting more than one second. When your target has finished speaking, and expects a
response, he or she will look at you and make brief eye contact again to indicate that it is your
turn.
The basic rules for pleasant conversation are: glance at the other person’s face more when you
are listening, glance away more when you are speaking and make brief eye contact to initiate
turn-taking. The key words here are ‘glance’ and ‘brief’: avoid prolonged staring either at the

other person or away.
The most common mistake people make when flirting is to overdo the eye contact in a premature
attempt to increase intimacy. This only makes the other person feel uncomfortable, and may send
misleading signals. Some men also blow their chances by carrying on a conversation with a
woman’s breasts, rather than looking at her face.
Interpersonal distance
The distance you keep from the other person when flirting is important, because it will affect his
or her impression of you, and the quality of your interaction. Perhaps even more importantly,
paying attention to the other person’s use of distance will tell you a great deal about his/her
reactions and feelings towards you.
When you first approach an attractive stranger, having established at least an indication of mutual
interest through eye contact, try to make eye contact again at about 4ft away, before moving any
closer. At 4 ft (about two small steps away), you are on the borderline between what are known
as the ‘social zone’ (4 to 12 ft) and the ‘personal zone’ (18in to 4ft).
If you receive a positive