SIRC Guide To Flirting | Page 3

more
evenly matched partners are in their attractiveness, the more likely they are to stay together.
But evaluating your own attractiveness may be difficult. Research has shown that many women
have a poor body-image, and often underestimate their attractiveness. Some recent studies indi-

cate, for example, that up to 80% of adult women believe that they are too fat, and try to achieve
a figure that is around two sizes smaller than the body-size men find most desirable. If you are
female, the odds are that you are more attractive than you think, so try flirting with some better-
looking men.
Men generally tend to be less critical of their own physical appearance than women. This is
partly because standards of beauty for males are much less rigid than for females, and a wider
variety of shapes and features are considered attractive. But it must be said that some men are
also inclined to overestimate their attractiveness. If you are a more honest male, and do not
consider yourself good-looking, remember that most men lack expertise in the subtleties of social
interaction, so polishing up your flirting skills could give you the edge over a more attractive
rival.
2.
Don’t flirt with people who are unlikely to return your interest.
Even if you are not looking for a long-term mate, you will enjoy flirting more with someone who
is interested in you. So it makes sense to approach people who are likely to see you as at least a
possible partner, rather than those likely to dismiss you as unsuitable.
Evolution has favoured males who select young, attractive mates and females who select partners
with power, wealth and status. Men therefore naturally tend to seek women who are younger than
them and place greater emphasis on physical beauty, while women are more likely to favour
older males with higher status and earning potential. Women also tend to prefer men who are
taller than them. Analysis of thousands of personal ads – where people are more explicit about
their requirements, and more obviously conscious of the requirements of others – shows that
these are the qualities most frequently demanded and offered by mate-seekers.
Short, low-status males and older, less attractive females may therefore be a bit more restricted in
their choice of potential partners, although there are many exceptions to this rule, and confidence
and charm can outweigh apparent disadvantages.
In the How to Flirt section, you will find tips on how to tell immediately, even from across a
crowded room, whether someone is likely to return your interest or not.

How to flirt
The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the knack of
conveying that you like someone. If your ‘target’ knows that you find him or her interesting and
attractive, he or she will be more inclined to like you.
Although this simple fact has been demonstrated in countless studies and experiments, you don’t
really need scientists to prove it. You already know that when you are told someone fancies you,
or hear that someone has praised or admired you, your interest in that person automatically
increases - even if it is someone you have never met!
Conveying that you like someone, and judging whether or not the attraction is mutual, clearly
involves a combination of verbal and non-verbal communication skills.
When asked about flirting, most people – particularly men – focus on the verbal element: the
‘chatting-up’, the problems of knowing what to say, finding the right words, etc. In fact, the non-
verbal element – body-language, tone of voice, etc. – is much more important, particularly in the
initial stages of a flirtation.
When you first meet new people, their initial impression of you will be based 55% on your
appearance and body-language, 38% on your style of speaking and only 7% on what you actually
say.
Also, their non-verbal signals will tell you much more about their feelings towards you than the
words they use. We show attitudes such as liking and disliking not by what we say but by the
way we say it and the posture, gestures and expressions that accompany our speech.
The customary polite greeting “pleased to meet you”, for example, can convey anything from ‘I
find you really attractive’ to ‘I am not the slightest bit interested in you’, depending on the tone
of voice, facial expression, position and posture of the speaker.
Non-verbal flirting
When a man and a woman meet for the first time, both are in a difficult, ambiguous and poten-
tially risky situation. Neither person knows what the other’s intentions and feelings are. Because
stating intentions and feelings verbally involves a high risk of embarrassment or possible rejec-
tion, non-verbal behaviour becomes the main channel of communication. Unlike the spoken
word, body language can signal invitation, acceptance or refusal without being too obvious,
without causing offence or making binding commitments.
Warning: some of the non-verbal flirting techniques outlined in this section are very powerful
signals, and should be used with caution. Women should be particularly careful when using
signals of interest and attraction. Men already tend to mistake friendliness for