Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 3

Let us be satisfied with such a present as fate has assigned to us in making me a 2nd Lieutenant temporary, with all the privileges that the words imply."
"Right," she said. "I'm going to wire to your brother Fred to come and stay here."
"Do you want him to come and rejoice with us over my new rank?"
"No," she said, "not exactly. I want to see how an elder brother, who is a 2nd Lieutenant temporary of Volunteers gets on with a younger brother who is a Colonel permanent in the real Army."
"I do not," I said, "like the word 'real' There's a disagreeable invidiousness about it, and your mouth, you being what you are, should be the last to use it."
'You'll have to salute him, you know."
"Yes," I said, "I certainly shall when I'm in uniform."
"And you'll have to call him 'Sir.'"
"Nonsense."
"You will," she said, "or you'll be court-martialled. And when he comes into a room in which you're sitting, you'll have to jump up and assume a rigid attitude until he's kind enough to wave his hand. Oh, it will be a real pleasure to have Fred here now that you've been thoroughly recognised. If you don't behave to him in a proper military manner you'll be reported to Lord FRENCH, and then you'll be more tempy than ever. Now that you're recognised you must do the thing thoroughly."
"You'll be sorry for this when I'm guarding a railway line night and day."
"No," she said, "I shan't. I shall keep you going with sandwiches and thermos-flasks."
R.C.L.
* * * * *
THE CRAZE FOR SUBSTITUTION.
Extract from note written by the Commandant of a V.A.D. hospital to the Sister-in-charge:--
"I have just heard that the Medical Officer will not be able to come this morning. I have ordered the sweep."
* * * * *
"THE COFFEE SPECIALIST
ROASTED FRESH DAILY."
North China Daily News.
Yet we dare say the poor fellow meant well.
* * * * *
"In the preliminary examination of patients the author introduces a test which is new to us; two or three breaths having been drawn through the nose, this organ is then punched by the an?sthetist, whilst the patient holds his breath as long as possible."--The Practitioner.
What the victim of this novel treatment says after recovering his breath is happily withheld from us.
* * * * *
From the Daily Orders of an Australian Battalion:--
"MOVES OF OFFICERS.
The following Officers have reported their arrival and departed respectfully."
Discipline in the Imperial contingents is evidently improving.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BANKRUPT BRAVOS.
SCENE: _Vienna, between the Sittings of the Conference._
SULTAN. "IT'S TIME WE GOT SOME MORE MONEY OUT OF WILLIAM. HE SEEMS TO THINK HE'S DOING ALL THE FRIGHTFULNESS. HE FORGETS THAT I'M KNOWN AS THE 'TERRIBLE TURK.'"
FERDINAND. "YES: AND THEY CALL ME 'FERDIE THE FEARFUL.'"
[The latter title has recently been conferred upon the TSAR of Bulgaria by his subjects in recognition of his continued absence from Sofia since the bombing of his palace.]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _G.O.C._ "WELL, MY MAN, WHAT ARE YOU IN CIVILIAN LIFE?"
Dejected Private. "PROFESSOR OF GREEK HISTORY AT ONE OF THE UNIVERSITIES, SIR."]
* * * * *
THE MINIATURE.
When I left her, Celia had two photographs, a British warm and an accidental coffee-stain, by which to remember me. The coffee-stain was the purest accident. By her manner of receiving it, Celia gave me the impression that she thought I had done it on purpose, but it was not so. The coffee-cup slipped-in-me-'and-mum, after which the law of gravity stepped in, thus robbing what would have been a polite deed of most of its gallantry. However, I explained all that at the time. The fact remains that, in whatever way you look at it, I had left my mark. Celia was not likely to forget me.
But she was determined to make sure. No doubt mine is an elusive personality; take the mind off it for one moment and it is gone. So I was to be perpetuated in a miniature.
"Can it be done without a sitting?" I asked doubtfully. I was going away on the morrow.
"Oh, yes. It can be done from the photographs easily. Of course I shall have to explain your complexion and so on."
"May I read the letter when you've explained it?"
"Certainly not," said Celia firmly.
"I only want to make sure that it's an explanation and not an apology."
"I shall probably put it down to a bicycle accident. Which is that?--No, no," she added hastily, "_Kamerad!_"
I put down the revolver and went on with my packing. And a day or two later Celia began to write about the miniature.
* * * * *
The stars represent shells or months, or anything like that; not promotion. I came back with just the two--one on each sleeve.
We talked of many things, but not of the miniature. Somehow I had forgotten all about it. And