Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 3

irresistibly comic Aunt at the Globe Theatre. But it is all good, and not too good to be true. Likewise, my dear Madame, you have given us two life-like sketches, one of a car-driver with his vicious mare, and the other of Molly's little dog. In conclusion, I congratulate you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD, as also the publisher, Mr. HEINEMANN, on having secured so good a specimen of the material for sale in this Hungerford market, says
THE BARON DE B.-W.
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HOME, CHEAP HOME!
"Thine be a cot beside a hill," Hums Mrs. HAWEIS in our ear; "Such cots are in the market still, At only thirty pounds a year.
"Then, as for furnishing the fold, Another fifty pounds will do it; But mind you stick to what is old, Nor carry modern rubbish to it!
"Your chairs must all be Chippendale, Your tables of the native oak, Your sofas"--but of what avail! To further urge this little joke?
For in this cot the chairs may be Much chipped, but hardly Chippendale, Unless the lady will agree To costs "upon the hire scale."
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Said a prim Bachelor, in a nasty temper, after a struggle with an ultra-stiffened clean shirt, "I should like to indict my laundress at the Old Bailey, charge her with murdering my linen, and, as evidence, I'd produce the mangled remains in Court."
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MRS. R. has been studying architecture, She says that "all Schoolmasters' Houses ought to be built in the Early Perpendicular Tutor style."
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[Illustration: "WHERE A FOOTMAN IS KEPT."
"BUT WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE, SARAH? IT'S NOT A HARD PLACE, AND JOHN DOES MOST OF YOUR WORK?"
"YES, MA'AM! BUT--A--JOHN HAS NO CONVERSATION?"]
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LIQUID AIR.
A learned Professor, the other day, At the Royal Institution, Explained, in a quite scientific way, How, helped by a contribution From the Goldsmiths' Company, he'd prepare Some liquid oxygen--you're aware This is what plain English folks call "air" Unspoilt by smoky pollution.
No doubt he meant well, and the Goldsmiths too, In their noble work together; But was it the very best thing to do, In that showery, soaking weather; When drizzle, or downpour, of dogs and cats, From the "liquid air" made us all drowned rats, And ruined our clothes and our best top-hats, And spoilt boots of the stoutest leather?
Professors and Companies, if you would Invent some sort of appliance To dry "liquid air," on which we could Repose implicit reliance, Arranged to diminish this H{2}O, Which, as every schoolboy ought to know, The Germans call wasser, the French call eau, We should bless your chemical science.
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CON. FOR CAPITALISTS.
Q. Why is it clear the Sparrow is an advocate of Free Competition?
A. Because his everlasting cry is, "Cheep-Cheep!"
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"THE GOTHENBURG SYSTEM."--Mrs. R. warmly espouses the cause of Temperance. She is very strong on what she has heard is called "The Gotobed System," in Sweden.
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PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL.
(Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch.)
SECOND ACT.
DR. HERDAL'S Drawing-room and Dispensary, as before. It is early in the day. Dr. HERDAL sits by the little table, taking his own temperature with a clinical thermometer. By the door stands the New Book-keeper; he wears blue spectacles and a discoloured white tie, and seems slightly nervous.
Dr. Herd. Well, now you understand what is necessary. My late book-keeper, Miss BLAKDRAF, used to keep my accounts very cleverly--she charged every visit twice over.
The New B. I am familiar with book-keeping by double entry. I was once employed at a Bank.
Dr. Herd. I am discharging my assistant, too; he was always trying to push me out with his pills. Perhaps you will be able to dispense?
The New B. (modestly). With an additional salary, I should be able to do that too.
Dr. Herd. Capital! You shall dispense with an additional salary. Go into the Dispensary, and see what you can make of it. You may mistake a few drugs at first--but everything must have a beginning.
[As the New B. retires, Mrs. HERDAL enters in a hat and cloak with a watering-pot, noiselessly.
Mrs. Herd. Miss WANGEL got up early, before breakfast, and went for a walk. She is so wonderfully vivacious!
Dr. Herd. So I should say. But tell me, ALINE, is she really going to stay with us here? [Nervously.
Mrs. Herd. (looks at him). So she tells me. And, as she has brought nothing with her except a tooth-brush and a powder-puff, I am going into the town to get her a few articles. We must make her feel at home.
Dr. Herd. (breaking out). I will make her not only feel, but be at home, wherever that is, this very day! I will not have a perambulating Allegory without a portmanteau here on an indefinite visit. I say, she shall go--do you