Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 2

of them? (At the suggestion of the Average Man, they abandon this fiery debate. A pause.)
Inquirer. Who's Speaker now?
First W. I. M. Sir ROBERT PEEL.
Inquirer. Will he be there to-night?
First W. I. M. Of course he will. He's got to be there.
Inquirer. But then what does the Chairman of Committee do?
First W. I. M. Oh, ah,--um, let me see; the Chairman of Committee does----(Brightly.) He's only appointed, you know, when they want a Committee about something.
Second W. I. M. I fancy he has to read the Bills.
First W. I. M. (gathering assurance as he proceeds). Not when they're read a first time. Somebody else does that--I forget what they call him. The Chairman reads 'em a second time, and takes 'em up to the House of Lords.
Inquirer. So he does, of course. I ought to have remembered that. But I'd got a sort of notion they didn't really read the Bills at all--just chucked 'em into a bag, and called it a Second Reading.
First W. I. M. (condescendingly). That's how they used to do it about ten years ago; but they had to alter the whole thing after they got BRADLAUGH into the House.
Inquirer. Why was that?
First W. I. M. Well, he wouldn't take an oath, you know; so, after that, they altered everything.
Inquirer (with admiration). By Jove, what a chap you are for recollecting things!
[Terminus.
* * * * *
QUEER QUERIES.
A NEW POLL-TAX.--Would somebody inform me of the easiest way of getting into Parliament? I see that Members are soon going to be paid, and that would be very useful to me, as my present yearly expenses are ��1,500, and my income barely ��150. Had I better try as a "Labour Candidate"? I feel that I may claim the title, on account of the labour--twelve hours at least per diem--which I have to expend on getting out of the way of my creditors. I presume that, before long, there will be Parliaments all over the place, for England, Wales, and Scotland, as well as for Ireland, and I want to get into all! At least, I want to get into all where the excellent system of payment of Members is adopted, with salaries "On the higher scale," as they say in the Courts. It is curious that, when I explain to my creditors this most promising source of prospective income, they don't seem to see it! But creditors always were a purblind race.--WOULD-BE LEGISLATOR.
* * * * *
THE "WITLER" AND THE "WASSER-MAIDEN."
A Ballad of Bungdom. (After Hans Breitmann's Ballad of the Mermaid.)
[Illustration]
Der noble Witler[A] BUNGO Von Schvillenschviggenop, Rode out mit shpeer und helmet, Und he coom to de panks of de Schlopp,
[A] Licensed Victualler.
Und oop dere rose a Meer-maid Vot hadn't got nodings on. Und she say, "Oh, Witler BUNGO, Vhere you goes mit yourself alone?"
Und he says, "I rides mine high-horse, Mit helmet und mit shpeer, Till I gooms unto mine Gasthaus,[B] Vhere I sells goot wine und peer."
[B] Tavern, or Wine Shop.
Und den outspoke de Maiden Vot hadn't got nodings on: "I ton't dink mooch of beoplesh Dat cares for demselfs alone.
You'd petter coom down to de Wasser,-- 'Tis de pest trink ash you'll see,-- Und haf a wholesome tinner Mit Schlopp-Vash, along mit me."
"Dere you sees de fisch a-schwimmin! Und dere healthy efery one." So sang dis Wasser-Maiden, Vot hadn't got nodings on.
"Your shtrong tipplesh cost mooch money, Dere ish death in de trinks you've sold; Und you helps yourself, by doonder, To de Vorkmansh hard-earned gold.
"Shoost look at doze sodden wretches, Vhite schlafes of de Witler Rings! From dere 'trunks' you vill your pockets, Und you rob dem like efery dings.
"Vot dey vantsh mit your schnaps[C] und lager, Vitrioled gin and doctored wine? Smash your pottles, and preak your parrels, Und try dese Schlopps of mine!"
[C] Drams, drinks.
* * *
Vill dat fetch him! He standsh as shpellbound! She vould pool his coat-tails down. She von't draw him oonder der Wasser-- Dat Maiden mit nodings on!
* * * * *
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Thank you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD (says the Baron, bowing his very best to the talented authoress), for one of the cheeriest, freshest, and sweetest--if I may be allowed to use the epithet--of one-volume'd stories I've read for many a day. The three daughters are delightful. I question whether you couldn't have done better with "two only, as are generally necessary;" but perhaps this is ungrateful on my part. Anyway, two out of the three lovers are scarcely worth mentioning, so I don't think I am far wrong, for the team was a bit unmanageable, well as you had them in hand. Excellent, too, is the sketch of Dad, though that of Aunt Jane is a trifle too grotesque, and will, perforce, remind those of your readers, who are theatre-goers, of Mr. PENLEY in petticoats, now actually playing "Charley's"