Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 4

her eyes
in cambric--Alas! alack! oh! ah!--Fond hearts, doomed to part--Cruel
fate!--Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.--Tom in battle--Cut, slash,
dash--Sabres, rifles--Round and grape in showers--Hot

work--Charge!--Whizz--Bang!--Flat as a Flounder--Never say
die--Peace--Sweet sound--Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and
one eye--Half-pay--Home--Huzza!--Swift gales--Post-horses--Love,
hope, and Clare Grey--
[Illustration: "I'D BE A BUTTERFLY," &c.]
VOL. III.
"Here we are!"--At home once more--Old friends and old faces--Must
be changed--Nobody knows him--Church bells ringing--Inquire
cause--(?)--Wedding--Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the old
pawnbroker--Brain whirls--Eyes start from sockets--Devils and
hell--Clare Grey, the fond, constant, Clare, a jilt?--Can't be--No
go--Stump up to church--Too true--Clare just made Mrs.
Snooks--Madness!! rage!!! death!!!!--Tom's crutch at work--Snooks
floored--Bridesman settled--Parson bolts--Clerk mizzles--Salts and
shrieks--Clare in a swoon--Pa' in a funk--Tragedy speech--Love!
vengeance! and damnation!--Half an ounce of laudanum--Quick
speech--Tom unshackles his wooden pin--Dies like a hero--Clare pines
in secret--Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin--Poor Tom
and Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath
[Illustration: "A WEEPING WILL-OH!"]
* * * * *
LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP.
We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr.
Hood, which we recommend to the earnest attention of our
subscribers:--
MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,
Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for
the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure
Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short
and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to
subjoin two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.
COPY.
"The following is a specimen of my punning before taking six lessons
of Mr. T. Hood:--
"Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain cold with which
children are affected?
"A. Because it's a new pink off (an hooping-cough).

"This is a specimen of my punning after taking six lessons of Mr. T.
Hood:--
"Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of
an injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?
"A. Because the one is _for-getting_ and the other _for-giving_."
N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular,
will find Mr. T. Hood's system of incalculable service.
Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be
suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has
also a few second-hand bon mots which he can offer a bargain.
*** A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.
* * * * *
A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE
CATEGORIES OF "CANT."
There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of Voting, it
being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated. It is
necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be
brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what
are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections. The briber, by
this means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the
different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most
advantageously place himself.
It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly experienced in
this noble science, but none have yet been able so to express it as to
bring it (as we hope to have done) within the range of the certain
sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form a part of the public
education, and not be subject tot he barbarous modes pursued by
illogical though earnest and zealous disciples; and that the great and
glorious Constitution that has done so much to bring it to perfection,
will, in its turn, be sustained and matured by the exercise of what is
really in itself so ancient and beautiful a practice.
VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS
1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be
considered, 1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into 1. He that
voteth for dead men. 2. He that voteth for empty tenements. 3. He that
voteth for many men. 4. He that voteth for men in the country, and the
like. 2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into 1. Because he

hath a bet that he will vote. 2. Because he loveth a lark. 3. Because he
LOVETH HIS COUNTRY. [Here also may be applied all the
predicates under the subjects BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.]
2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible
into 1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into 1.
He who is upset by a bribed coachman. 2. He who is incited into an
assault, that he may be put into the cage. 3. He who is driven by a
drunken coachman many miles the wrong way. 4. He who is hocussed.
5. He who is sent into the