Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 3

term from the English language, and to
substitute that which is applied to, his own party. In writing to a friend,
that "after the inflammatory character of the oratory of the Carlton Club,
it is quite supererogatory for me to state (it being notorious) that all
conciliatory measures will be rendered nugatory," he thus expressed
himself:--"After the inflammawhig character of the orawhig of the
nominees of the Carlton Club, it is quite supererogawhig for me to state
(it being no_whig_ous) that all conciliawhig measures will be rendered
nugawhig."
NATIVE SWALLOWS.
A correspondent to one of the daily papers has remarked, that there is
an almost total absence of swallows this summer in England. Had the
writer been present at some of the election dinners lately, he must have
confessed that a greater number of active swallows has rarely been
observed congregated in any one year.
LORD MELBOURNE TO "PUNCH."

My dear PUNCH,--Seeing in the "Court Circular" of the Morning
Herald an account of a General Goblet as one of the guests of her
Majesty, I beg to state, that till I saw that announcement, I was not
aware of any other general gobble it than myself at the Palace.
Yours, truly, MELBOURN
* * * * *
A RAILROAD NOVEL
DEAR PUNCH,--I was much amused the other day, on taking my seat
in the Birmingham Railway train, to observe a sentimental-looking
young gentleman, who was sitting opposite to me, deliberately draw
from his travelling-bag three volumes of what appeared to me a new
novel of the full regulation size, and with intense interest commence
the first volume at the title-page. At the same instant the last bell rang,
and away started our train, whizz, bang, like a flash of lightning
through a butter-firkin. I endeavoured to catch a glimpse of some
familiar places as we passed, but the attempt was altogether useless.
Harrow-on-the-Hill, as we shot by it, seemed to be driving pell-mell up
to town, followed by Boxmoor, Tring, and Aylesbury--I missed
Wolverton and Weedon while taking a pinch of snuff--lost Rugby and
Coventry before I had done sneezing, and I had scarcely time to say,
"God bless us," till I found we had reached Birmingham. Whereupon I
began to calculate the trifling progress my reading companion could
have made in his book during our rapid journey, and to devise plans for
the gratification of persons similarly situated as my fellow-traveller.
"Why," thought I, "should literature alone lag in the age of steam? Is
there no way by which a man could be made to swallow Scott or bolt
Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an auction bill?"
Suddenly a happy thought struck me: it was to write a novel, in which
only the actual spirit of the narration should be retained, rejecting all
expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of speech; to be terse and
abrupt in style--use monosyllables always in preference to
polysyllables--and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose names
contain more than four letters. Full of this idea, on my returning home
in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had written
a novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady or
gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get
through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train

running from London to Birmingham.
I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of
writing possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen,
omnibus-cads, tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may "read as they
run." Fiddlers at the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music, may
also benefit by my invention; for which, if the following specimen meet
your approbation, I shall instantly apply for a patent.
SPECIMEN.
CLARE GREY:
A NOVEL.
"Brief let me be."
LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author.
1841.
VOL. I.
Clare Grey--Sweet girl--Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops,
&c.--Tom Lee--Young, gay, but poor--Loved Clare madly--Clare loved
Tom ditto--Clare's pa' rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.--Smelt a rat--D----d
Tom, and swore at Clare--Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars--Love's
schemes--_Billet-doux_ from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas,
crammed with vows, love, despair, hope--Answer (pencil and
curl-paper), slipped through key-hole--Full of hope, despair, love,
vows--Tom serenades--Bad cold--Rather hoarse--White kerchief from
garret-window--"'Tis Clare! 'tis Clare!"--Garden-wall, six feet
high--Love is rash--Scale the wall--Great house-dog at home--Pins
Tom by the calf--Old Hunk's roused--Fire! thieves! guns, swords, and
rushlights--Tom caught--Murder, burglary--Station-house, gaol,
justice--Fudge!--Pretty mess--Heigho!--'Oh! 'tis love,' &c.--Sweet Clare
Grey!--Seven pages of sentiment--Lame leg, light purse, heavy
heart--Pshaw!--Never mind--
[Illustration: "THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN"]
VOL. II.
"Adieu, my native land," &c.--D.I.O.--"We part to meet again"--Death
or glory--Red coat--Laurels and rupees in view--Vows of constancy,
eternal truth, &c--Tom swells the brine with tears--Clare wipes