Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 4

class--your order?
_Second Mem._ Well, that's about it. We do represent them. Why we are sent to you by over 100,000!
_Em. S._ And what is the full complement of your combined trades?
_Second Mem._ About nine millions, but that has nothing to do with it.
_Em. S._ With it! Do with what?
_First Mem. of Dep._ Why, what we require, Right Hon. Sir--what we require!
_Em. S._ (_amiably_). And that is--?
_First Mem. of Dep._ (_triumphantly_). Oh, you must tell us that! It is not our place, but yours--see?
_Em. S._ Not exactly. But will you not join me? (_Offers cigarettes._) And now let us get at the heart of the question. Who is to do your work for you?
_First Mem. of Dep._ (_puffing at the tobacco_). Don't you think that could be done by the Government?
_Em. S._ I don't know. I am delighted to see you, because it is with your assistance that I propose mastering the details of the matter. But you really must help me.
_Second Mem. of Dep._ (_taken aback_). But, I say, Sir, is this quite fair? We are accustomed to put up someone such as he (pointing to the Fussy M.P.), and leave it to him to do all the talking.
_Em. S._ Yes, I know the old-fashioned plan; but I prefer the new. Pray go on. How will you get your work done gratuitously?
_Fourth Mem._ Oh, come! That's putting it a little too strong! We are not accustomed to it. What does it all mean?
_Em. S._ I think I can answer you. My good friends, until you can get an idea of what you really want, you can do nothing--nor can I. So now, if you have another appointment to keep, please don't let me detain you. All I can wish you I do wish you. May you all prosper in your undertakings. And now, farewell!
_First Mem._ Well, Sir, if you won't see us any more, good-bye!
_Em. S._ Good-bye! Mind the steps! Good-bye! [_The Deputation leave._ Eminent Statesman _turns his attention to other matters with a smile of satisfaction._
* * * * *
"EXCELSIOR! OR STRAIGHT UP!"--Sir DOUGLAS STRAIGHT was knighted last week. N.B.--Would have been mentioned earlier, if we had had the straight tip.
* * * * *
'ARRY IN VENICE.
[Illustration]
DEAR CHARLIE,--'Ow 'ops it, my 'earty? Yours truly's still stived up in Town. Won't run to a 'oliday yet, mate. I'm longing to lay on the brown By a blow from the briny, but, bless yer, things now is as bad as they're made. Hinfluenzas, Helections, and cetrer, has bloomin' nigh bunnicked up Trade.
My screw's bin cut down by a dollar; along of 'ard times, sez our bloke. I did mean doin' It'ly this year; but sez Luck, "Oh, go 'ome and eat coke!" Leastways, that's as I hunderstand 'er. A narsty one, Luck, and no kid; Always gives yer the rough of 'er tongue when you're quisby, or short of a quid.
When I 'eard about Venice in London, I thinks to myself, mate, thinks I, 'Ere's a 'oliday tour on the cheap! 'Ere's a barney as 'ARRY must try. No Continong this year, that's certain, old man, for the likes of poor me; But whilst I've a bob I've a chance for a boss at the Bride o' the Sea.
Them posters of IMRE KIRALFY's for gorgeousness quite takes the cake. Friend IMRE's a spanker, you bet, and quite fly to the popular fake. "Stupendious work," IMRE calls it, and I.K. is O.K. no doubt. Your old Country Fair Show takes a back seat when ikey young I.K.'s about.
Oh, the jam and the mustard, my pippin, the crimsing, the blue, and the gold! Scissorree, CHARLIE, rainbows ain't in it, and prisums is out in the cold. I do like a picteresk poster, as big as a bloomin' back yard, With the colour slopped on quite regardless; if that ain't 'Igh 'Art, wy it's 'ard.
'Owsomever I mustn't feeloserphise. Off to Olympia I 'ooks, To see Venice the Bride of the Sea, as set forth in them sixpenny books. Bless his twirly merstache, he's a twicer, this IMRE KIRALFY, dear boy, And he give me a two hours' spektarkle old LEIGHTON hisself might enjoy.
Bit puzzling the "Pageant" is, CHARLIE, until that Synopsis you've read; Wish I'd mugged it all up overnight; but I carn't get it straight in my 'ead. Sort o' mixture of Shylock and BYRON, with bits of Othello chucked in, Muddled up with "Chioggian wars," as seemed mostly blue fire and bright tin.
But the scenes wos 'splendiferous, CHARLIE. About arf a mile o' stage front, With some thousands of 'eroes and supers, as seemed all the time on the 'unt. Lor! 'ow they did scoot up and down that there stage at the double, old man, All their legs on the waggle, like flies, and their armour a-chink as they ran!
Old Shylock