Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 5

among the camp-stools to CULCHARD and Miss TROTTER._
Podbury (_to himself_). Time I had a look in, I think. (_Aloud._) Well, Miss Trotter, what do you think of the Rhine, as far as you've got?
_Miss T._ Well, I guess it's navigable, as far as _I've_ got.
_Podb._ No, but I mean to say--does it come up to the mark in the scenery line, you know?
_Miss T._ I cannot answer that till I know whereabouts it is they mark the scenery-line. I expect Mr. CULCHARD knows. He knows pretty well everything. Would you like to have him explain the scenery to you going along? His explanations are vurry improving, I assure you.
_Podb._ I daresay; but the scenery just here is so flat that even my friend's remarks won't improve it.
_Culch._ (_producing his note-book ostentatiously_). I do not propose to attempt it. No doubt you will be more successful in entertaining Miss TROTTER than I can pretend to be. I retire in your favour. [_He scribbles._
_Podb._ Is that our expenses you're corking down there, CULCHARD, eh?
_Culch._ (_with dignity_). If you want to know, I am "corking down," to adopt your elegant expression, a sonnet that suggested itself to me.
_Podb._ Much better cork that _up_, old chap--hadn't he, Miss TROTTER?
[_He glances at her for appreciation._
_Miss T._ That's so. I don't believe the poetic spirit has much chance of slopping over so long as Mr. PODBURY is around. You have considerable merit as a stopper, Mr. PODBURY.
_Podb._ I see; I'd better clear out till the poetry has all gurgled out of him, eh? Is that the idea?
_Miss T._ If it is, it's your own, so I guess it's a pretty good one.
[_PODBURY shoulders off._
_Culch._ (_with his pathetic stop on_). I wish I had more of your divine patience! Poor fellow, he is not without his good points; but I do find him a thorn in my flesh occasionally, I'm afraid.
_Miss T._ Well, I don't know as a thorn in the flesh is any the pleasanter for having a good point.
_Culch._ Profoundly true, indeed. I often think I could like him better if there were less in him to like. I assure you he tries me so at times that I could almost wish I was back at work in my department at Somerset House!
_Miss T._ I daresay you have pretty good times there, too. Isn't that one of your leading dry goods stores?
_Culch._ (_pained_). It is not; it is a Government Office, and I am in the Pigeonhole and Docket Department, with important duties to discharge. I hope you didn't imagine I sold ribbons and calico over a counter?
_Miss T._ (_ambiguously_). Well, I wasn't just sure. It takes a pretty bright man to do that where I come from.
An Old Lady (_who is sitting next to PODBURY, and reading a home-letter to another Old Lady_). "Dear MARIA and dear MADELINE are close by, they have taken very comfortable lodgings in Marine Crescent. Dear MADELINE's frame is expected down next Saturday."
Second Old Lady. MADELINE's frame! Is anything wrong with the poor girl's spine?
First Old Lady. I never heard of it. Oh, I see, it's _fiancé_, my dear. CAROLINE does write so illegibly. (_Continuing._) "Um--um,--suppose you know she will be maimed--" (perhaps it is her spine after all--oh, _married_, to be sure), "very slowly" (is it slowly or shortly, I wonder?), um--um, "very quiet wedding, nobody but dear Mr. WILKINSON and his hatter."
_Second O.L._ The idea of choosing one's hatter for one's best man! I'm surprised MARIA should allow it!
_First O.L._ Maria always was peculiar--still, now I come to look, it's more like "brother," which is certainly much more suitable. (_Continuing._) "She will have no--no bird's-marks ..." (Now, what does that--should you think that meant "crows-feet"? Oh, no, how stupid of me--_bridesmaids_, of course!)--"and will go to the otter a plain guy"--(Oh, Caroline really is too....)--"to the altar in plain _grey_! She has been given such quantities of pea-nuts"--(very odd things to give a girl! Oh, _presents_! um, um)--"Not settled yet where to go for their hangman"--(the officiating clergyman, I suppose--very flippant way of putting it, I must say! It's meant for _honeymoon_, though, I see, to be _sure_!) &c., &c.
_Culch._ I should like to be at Nuremberg with you. It would be an unspeakable delight to watch the expansion of a fresh young soul in that rich medi?val atmosphere!
_Miss T._ I guess you'll have opportunities of watching Mr. PODBURY's fresh young soul under those conditions, any way.
_Culch._ It would not be at all the same thing--even if he--but you do think you're coming to Nuremberg, don't you?
_Miss T._ Well, it's this way. Poppa don't want to get fooling around any more one-horse towns than he can help, and he's got to be fixed up with the idea that Nuremberg is a prominent European sight before he drops