Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 7

17, 1841, to June 27, 1891.
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[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.
Fair Visitor (to Hostess). "WHAT A DELIGHTFUL CONCERT YOU GAVE US LAST WEDNESDAY, DEAR MRS. JONES! SUCH LOVELY MUSIC!--SUCH SMART PEOPLE! EVERYBODY ONE KNOWS, YOU KNOW!"
[_Mrs. Jones's Aunt Tabitha (from whom she has great expectations) hears of this delightful Concert for the first time!_]]
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"GOOD-BYE, GRANDMAMMA!"
(A LONG WAY AFTER "CHILDE HAROLD.")
Adieu, adieu. Old Albion's shore! I leave, to bound the blue. My Yacht lies yonder! 'Tis a bore, But I must part from you. I sniff the brine, I love the sea; Half Englishman am I. Farewell to England, and to thee, Dear Grandmamma--good-bye!
I leave your isle, the truth to tell, With qualified regret. July in London would be well, But for the heavy wet. The soaking shower, the sudden squall, Spare not Imperial "tiles." May it be dry when next I call, Your slushiest of isles!
Yet I've enjoyed my visit, much, In spite of wet and wind. I with JOHN BULL have been in touch; You have been passing kind. My father and grandfather gone Once trod your city sad; Now I the daring deed have done, And--it is not half bad.
That Opera Show was quite a sight; Your Sheriff HARRIS--well-- AUGUSTUS, after Actium's fight, Was scarce a greater swell. The long parade, led by the Blues, Gave me the blues again. Not that the citizen were screws, No, Grand'ma, 'twas that rain!
I--ahem! blessed it fervently, Emperors must not complain; But do, do keep your Babylon dry, When I come back again. For Garden Parties, Shows, Reviews, And civic functions pale, When water soaks the stoutest shoes, And it blows half a gale.
Your Lord MAYOR and his liveried lot, They know a thing or two. Speeches of course are always rot, But then--the skies were blue! As for your Crystal Palace--ah! Your pride I would not shock, But you owe much, dear Grandmamma, To PAXTON and to BROCK.
Your warriors are fine, if few; But still, if you ask me, You leave far too much power to A Railway Company. I would not let civilians snub My paladins--no fear! But then a Teuton--there's the rub! Is no mere Volunteer!
And now I really must be gone Upon the wide, wide sea. Stiff state no more shall make me groan, Hurrah for liberty! I'm tired to death of functions fine, And ceremonial rot; Hurrah for ease! the breezy brine Tar-toggery, and my Yacht!
With yonder bark I'll gladly brave The seas about your isle. Thanks, Grand'ma, for that kerchief wave, And that right royal smile! Welcome, ye billows, tumbling brisk Beneath a cloud-swept sky! Give your white kerchief one more whisk, Dear Grandmamma--Good-bye!
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SCOTT (ANYTHING BUT) FREE.
["It is human nature, after all. When conscientiously I cannot praise actors or actresses, or authors, they turn their backs upon me. But when conscientiously I am able to draw attention to their great merits, they simply overflow."--Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT, in The Illustrated London News.]
Unlucky Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT! Since those who act our plays or write them, Are so exacting that he's got The greatest trouble to delight them. When conscience tells him not to praise They "turn their backs" and will not know him, When their "great merits" make him raise His voice--they "simply overflow" him!
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NOTE FOR AN IMPERIAL DIARY.--There were just a couple or so of real good wet days for our Imperial and Royal Highnesses. Jupiter Pluvius ladled it out to us unstintingly in Imperial buckets full. Our Cousin German, so affectionately dutiful to "Grandmamma," won't forget _La Rain d'Angleterre in a hurry. Mem._ Next visit to London, bring fewer uniforms and more waterproofs and umbrellas.
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[Illustration: "GOOD-BYE, GRANDMAMMA!"]
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IMPERIAL AND OPERATIC.
[Illustration]
After considerable calculation as to re-imbursement for present outlay by a consistent course of future economy, I took a six-guinea stall for the EMPEROR's state visit to the Opera. "Court dress" being "indispensable," I decided to summon to my aid the well-known amateur theatrical costumier, DATHAN & Co. DATHAN sees at a glance what I want. He measures me with his eye. "Co." in waiting is dispatched to bring down two or three Court suits. In less than ten minutes I am perfectly fitted, that is, in DATHAN's not entirely disinterested but still highly artistic opinion, with which "Co." unhesitatingly agrees. For my own part, as a mere lay-figure, I should have preferred the continuations being a trifle less tight round the knee; also if the coat were a little easier about the shoulders, and not quite so baggy in the back I should breathe more freely; and, while we are on the subject, the collar might be lower, as it is in close proximity to the lobes of my ears and irritatingly tickles me. The