Punch, Or The London Charivari

Punch, Or The London
Charivari

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
100,
March 28, 1891, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone
anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You
may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project
Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
www.gutenberg.net
Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, March 28, 1891
Author: Various
Release Date: August 25, 2004 [EBook #13281]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***

Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team.

PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 100.

March 28, 1891.

THE G.P.O. CUCKOO.
[Illustration]
It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray, And, oh, his
eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array; To North and South the
message went, to W. and E., And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men
make money in E.C.; From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes
wakes. As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for
RAIKES.
"Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng, "Ye
tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long; Yet since
you love the G.P.O. that thus your feet employs, We must not see you
flouted by a perky pack of hoys. Swift rally round the Master who
quavers not nor quakes, Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the
adamantine RAIKES.
"What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach the Public sense,
Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence.
Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss.
They must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us.
And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes.
They have sown, but we shall reap it--'tis the will of Mr. RAIKES."
* * * * *
But Punch was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red, Like
the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook his ancient head,
"RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much incline to
scorn Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his
corn. Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes Take the
profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to RAIKES.

"You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees That, if boys
go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees. But, oh, be warned,
my Postmaster, it's not a pleasant thing To incur a bee's resentment and
to suffer from its sting: And (to change my humble parallel) I like not
him who takes A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman
RAIKES!"
* * * * *
SOUND AND SAFE.--We hear that Mr. W.H. GRIFFITHS is to be the
new Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular inquiry,
"Who's GRIFFITHS?" there was but one answer, "The Safe Man."
Good omen for the Shaftesbury.
* * * * *
BAR BARRED!
SCENE--_A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee sitting at
horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with plans, custards,
buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge plans hanging to walls. View
in distance of St. Thomas's Hospital. East-West Diddlesex Railway
Extension Bill under consideration. Expert Witness standing at
reading-desk under examination_.
Junior Counsel (_for Promoters_). You have told us that there is a
cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan--in your opinion do
you think that the road passing; by Hoggsborough, coloured green,
could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge over
the River Crowe, coloured yellow?
Expert Witness (_with great deliberation, and illustrating his remarks
by references to a large plan_). In my opinion I think the necessity of
building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided by skirting the
Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that would cross the
proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and ultimately reach
Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the course of the
Raisensworth, coloured black.

Junior Counsel. Thank you--that will do. [_Sits down._
_First Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_suddenly entering from another
Committee Room, looking for his Junior--aside_). Where on earth have
we got to?
Chairman of Committee. Is this witness cross-examined?
_First C.-E. Q.C._ Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is
necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan?
Expert Witness. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is skirted, &c.,
&c. [_Repeats the answer he has already given._
_Second Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his learned
brother sits down_). One moment, please. Now you say that it is
absolutely necessary to