Press Cuttings | Page 8

could replace you with the help of the other quarter. If
three-quarters of us was killed, how many people would there be in
England in another generation? If it wasnt for that, the mand put the
fightin on us just as they put all the other dhrudgery. What would YOU
do if we was all kilt? Would you go to bed and have twins?
MITCHENER. Really, Mrs. Farrell, you must discuss these questions
with a medical man. You make me blush, positively.
MRS. FARRELL. A good job too. If I could have made Farrell blush I
wouldnt have had to risk me life too often. You n your risks n your
bravery n your selfcontrol indeed! "Why don't you conthrol yourself?" I
sez to Farrell. "Its agen me religion," he sez.
MITCHENER (plaintively). Mrs. Farrell, youre a woman of very
powerful mind. Im not qualified to argue these delicate matters with
you. I ask you to spare me, and to be good enough to take these clothes
to Mr. Balsquith when the ladies leave.
The Orderly comes in.
THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe and Mrs. Banger wish to
see you, sir. Mr. Balsquith told me to tell you.
MRS. FARRELL. Theyve come about the vote. I dont know whether
its them that want it or them that doesnt want it: anyhow, they're all
alike when they get into a state about it. (She goes out, having gathered
Balsquith's suffraget disguise from the desk.)
MITCHENER. Is Mr. Balsquith not with them?
THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. Couldnt stand Mrs. Banger, I expect. Fair
caution she is. (He chuckles.) Couldnt help larfin when I sor im op it.

MITCHENER. How dare you indulge in this unseemly mirth in the
presence of your commanding officer? Have you no sense of a soldier's
duty?
THE ORDERLY (sadly). Im afraid I shant ever get the ang of it, sir.
You see my father has a tidy little barbers business down off
Shoreditch; and I was brought up to be chatty and easy like with
everybody. I tell you, when I drew the number in the conscription it
gave my old mother the needle and it gev me the ump. I should take it
very kind, sir, if youd let me off the drill and let me shave you instead.
Youd appreciate my qualities then: you would indeed sir. I shant never
do myself justice at soljering, sir: I cant bring myself to think of it as
proper work for a man with an active mind, as you might say, sir. Arf
of its only ousemaidin; and the other arf is dress-up and make-believe.
MITCHENER. Stuff, Sir. Its the easiest life in the world. Once you
learn your drill all you have to do is to hold your tongue and obey your
orders.
THE ORDERLY. But I do assure you, sir, arf the time they're the
wrong orders; and I get into trouble when I obey them. The sergeants
orders is all right; but the officers dont know what theyre talkin about.
Why the orses knows better sometimes. "Fours" says Lieutenant Trevor
at the gate of Bucknam Palace only this morning when we was on duty
for a State visit to the Coal Trust. I was fourth man like in the first file;
and when I started the orse eld back; and the sergeant was on to me
straight. Threes, you bally fool, he whispers. And he was on to me
again about it when we came back, and called me a fathead, he did.
What am I to do, I says: the lieutenant's orders was fours, I says. Ill
show you whos lieutenant here, e says. In future you attend to my
orders and not to iz, e says: what does he know about it? You didnt
give me any orders, I says. Couldnt you see for yourself there wasnt
room for fours, e says: why cant you THINK? General Mitchener tells
me Im not to think but to obey orders, I says. Is Mitchener your
sergeant or am I, e says in his bullyin way. You are, I says. Well, he
says, youve got to do what your sergeant tells you: thats discipline, he
says. What am I to do for the General I says. Youre to let im talk, e

says: thats what es for.
MITCHENER (groaning). It is impossible for the human mind to
conceive anything more dreadful than this. Youre a disgrace to the
service.
THE ORDERLY (deeply wounded). The service is a disgrace to me.
When my mother's people pass me in the street with this uniform on, I
ardly know which way to look. There never was a soldier in my family
before.
MITCHENER. There never was anything else in mine, sir.
THE ORDERLY. My mother's second cousin was one of the