Potash and Perlmutter Settle Things | Page 9

this time of the year that less than
eighty per cent. of the passengers was ill as against the normal
percentage of 99.31416. As Mr. Wilson had requested that no fuss
should be made over his visit, things was kept down as much as
possible, so that, on leaving Calais, the President's boat was escorted by
only ten torpedo-boat destroyers, a couple battle-ships, three cruisers,
and eight-twelfths of a dozen assorted submarines. There was also a
simple and informal escort of about fifty airy-oplanes, the six dirigible
balloons having been cut out of the program in accordance from the
President's wishes. However, Abe, all this simplicity was nothing
compared to the way they acted when the President arrived at Dover.
There the arrangements was what you might expect when the President
of a plain, democratic people visits the country of another plain,
democratic people, Abe. The only people there to meet them was about
twenty or thirty dukes, a few field-marshals, three regiments of soldiers,
including the bands, and somebody which the newspaper reporter says
he at first took for Caruso in the second act of 'Aïda' and afterwards
proved to be the mayor of Dover in his official costume.
"The ceremony of welcoming Mr. and Mrs. Wilson to the shores of
England was very short, the whole thing being practically over in two
hours and thirty minutes," Morris continued. "It consisted of either the
firing of a Presidential salute of twenty-one guns or the playing of the

American National Anthem by the massed bands of three regiments,
the reporter says he couldn't tell which, on account he stood behind one
of the drums. Later the President made a short speech, in which he said:
'May I not say how glad I am to land in Dover,' or something to that
effect."
"And after that boat-ride from France he would have said so if it had
been Barren Island, or any other place-just so long as it was free from
earthquakes and didn't roll none," Abe agreed. "Also, Mawruss," he
continued, "some day the President is going to begin a speech with,
'May I not,' and the chairman of the meeting will take him at his word
and put it to a standing vote, and it is going to surprise the President
how few people is going to remain seated on the proposition of whether
or not he shall continue to begin letters and speeches with, 'May I not.'"
"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "When we get by mail a cancelation and
answer it, 'Dear Gents, Your favor received,' does that mean we think
the customer is doing us a favor by canceling an order on us? Oser a
Stuck. And in the same way, when Mr. Wilson says, 'May I not?'
nobody fools themselves for a minute that the President is asking
permission. That's just a habit us and him got into, Abe, and in fact,
Abe, Mr. Wilson's 'May-I-nots' have always meant that not only was he
going to say what he intended to say, but that he was also going to do it,
too. So, therefore, you take the speech he made at the Gelthall in
London, and--"
"But as I understand your story, Mawruss, he only just arrived in
Dover," Abe said, "so go ahead with your lies, and tell me what
happened next."
"Well," Morris went on to say, "after the mayor of Dover had presented
Mr. Wilson with the Freedom of the City in a gold casket--"
"Excuse me, Mawruss," Abe interrupted, "but what is this here
Freedom of the City that mayors is all the time presenting to Mr.
Wilson?"
"I don't know," Morris replied, "except that seemingly a Freedom of the

City always comes in a gold casket."
"Sure, I know," Abe said, "but what does Mr. Wilson gain by all these
here Freedoms of Cities?"
"Gold caskets," Morris replied, "although I think myself that some of
these mayors ain't above getting by with a gold-plated silver casket, or
even a rolled-gold casket, relying on the fact that Mr. Wilson is too
much of a gentleman to get an appraisal, anyhow till he returns to
America."
"Well, if I would be Mr. Wilson, I wouldn't take it so particular to act
too gentlemanly to them mayors," Abe commented, "because I see in
the papers that when the mayor of London presented him with the
Freedom of the City, Mr. Wilson got the Freedom part, but he was told
that the gold casket was in preparation, which I admit that I don't know
nothing about this here mayor of London, but you know how it is when
a customer gets married, Mawruss, and we put off sending him a
wedding present till we could get round to it, y'understand, which we
are all human, Mawruss, and it