Phantasmagoria and Other Poems | Page 2

may I offer you?" said I.
"Well, since you ARE so kind, I'll try

A little bit of duck.
"ONE slice! And may I ask you for
Another drop of gravy?"
I sat
and looked at him in awe,
For certainly I never saw
A thing so
white and wavy.
And still he seemed to grow more white,
More vapoury, and wavier -

Seen in the dim and flickering light,
As he proceeded to recite

His "Maxims of Behaviour."

CANTO II--Hys Fyve Rules
"My First--but don't suppose," he said,
"I'm setting you a riddle -

Is--if your Victim be in bed,
Don't touch the curtains at his head,

But take them in the middle,
"And wave them slowly in and out,
While drawing them asunder;

And in a minute's time, no doubt,
He'll raise his head and look about

With eyes of wrath and wonder.
"And here you must on no pretence
Make the first observation.

Wait for the Victim to commence:
No Ghost of any common sense

Begins a conversation.
"If he should say 'HOW CAME YOU HERE?'
(The way that YOU
began, Sir,)
In such a case your course is clear -
'ON THE BAT'S
BACK, MY LITTLE DEAR!'
Is the appropriate answer.
"If after this he says no more,
You'd best perhaps curtail your

Exertions--go and shake the door,
And then, if he begins to snore,

You'll know the thing's a failure.
"By day, if he should be alone -
At home or on a walk -
You merely
give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone
In which you
mean to talk.
"But if you find him with his friends,
The thing is rather harder.
In
such a case success depends
On picking up some candle-ends,
Or
butter, in the larder.
"With this you make a kind of slide
(It answers best with suet),
On
which you must contrive to glide,
And swing yourself from side to
side -
One soon learns how to do it.
"The Second tells us what is right
In ceremonious calls:-
'FIRST
BURN A BLUE OR CRIMSON LIGHT'
(A thing I quite forgot

to-night),
'THEN SCRATCH THE DOOR OR WALLS.'"
I said "You'll visit HERE no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I'll have
no bonfires on MY floor -
And, as for scratching at the door,
I'd like
to see you try!"
"The Third was written to protect
The interests of the Victim,
And
tells us, as I recollect,
TO TREAT HIM WITH A GRAVE
RESPECT,
AND NOT TO CONTRADICT HIM."
"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension:
I
only wish SOME Ghosts I've met
Would not so CONSTANTLY
forget
The maxim that you mention!"
"Perhaps," he said, "YOU first transgressed
The laws of hospitality:

All Ghosts instinctively detest
The Man that fails to treat his guest

With proper cordiality.
"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing!'
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He
is permitted by the King
To drop all FORMAL parleying -
And
then you're SURE to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:

And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the
King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.
"That simply means 'be cut up small':
Ghosts soon unite anew.
The
process scarcely hurts at all -
Not more than when YOU're what you
call
'Cut up' by a Review.
"The Fifth is one you may prefer
That I should quote entire:-
THE
KING MUST BE ADDRESSED AS 'SIR.'
THIS, FROM A
SIMPLE COURTIER,
IS ALL THE LAWS REQUIRE:
"BUT, SHOULD YOU WISH TO DO THE THING
WITH

OUT-AND-OUT POLITENESS,
ACCOST HIM AS 'MY
GOBLIN KING!
AND ALWAYS USE, IN ANSWERING,
THE
PHRASE 'YOUR ROYAL WHITENESS!'
"I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear,
After so much reciting :
So, if you
don't object, my dear,
We'll try a glass of bitter beer -
I think it
looks inviting."
CANTO III--Scarmoges
"And did you really walk," said I,
"On such a wretched night?
I
always fancied Ghosts could fly -
If not exactly in the sky,
Yet at a
fairish height."
"It's very well," said he, "for Kings
To soar above the earth:
But
Phantoms often find that wings -
Like many other pleasant things -

Cost more than they are worth.
"Spectres of course are rich, and so
Can buy them from the Elves:

But WE prefer to keep below -
They're stupid company, you know,

For any but themselves:
"For, though they claim to be exempt
From pride, they treat a
Phantom
As something quite beneath contempt -
Just as no Turkey
ever dreamt
Of noticing a Bantam."
"They seem too proud," said I, "to go
To houses such as mine.
Pray,
how did they contrive to know
So quickly that 'the place was low,'

And that I 'kept bad wine'?"
"Inspector Kobold came to you--"
The little Ghost began.
Here I
broke in--"Inspector who?
Inspecting Ghosts is something new!

Explain yourself, my man!"
"His name is Kobold," said my guest:
"One of the Spectre order:

You'll very often see him dressed
In a yellow gown, a crimson vest,


And a night-cap with a border.
"He tried the Brocken business first,
But caught a sort of chill ;
So
came to England to be nursed,
And here it took the form of THIRST,

Which he complains of still.
"Port-wine, he says, when rich and sound,
Warms his old bones like
nectar:
And as the inns, where it is found,
Are his especial
hunting-ground,
We call him the INN-SPECTRE."
I bore it--bore