Perfect Behavior | Page 3

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Perfect Behavior by Donald Ogden Stewart

Scanned by Charles Keller with OmniPage Professional OCR software

PERFECT BEHAVIOR
BY DONALD OGDEN STEWART
A GUIDE FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IN ALL SOCIAL
CRISES

Those who are not self-possessed obtrude and pain us.--EMERSON

PERFECT BEHAVIOR
A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of "A Parody Outline of
History"
The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes
pain.--OLD PROVERB

TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED
BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE ON THE
RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT ARM OF HER FATHER With
Deepest Sympathy

Contents
Chapter I.
THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP A Few Words about
Love--Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab--A Silly Girl--Correct
Introductions and how to Make Them--A Well Known Congressman's
Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish Bath--Cards and Flowers--Flowers and
their Message in Courtship--"A Clean Tooth Never
Decays"--Receiving an Invitation to Call--The Etiquette of
Telephoning-A Telephone Girl's Horrible End--Making the First
Call--Conversation and Some of its Uses--A Proper Call--The Proposal
Proper-The Proposal Improper--What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Said to the ex-Clergyman's Niece.
II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS The
Historic Aspect--Announcing the Engagement--A Breton Fisher Girl's

Experience with a Traveling Salesman--The Bride-to-Be--The
Engagement Luncheon--Selecting the Bridal Party--Invitations and
Wedding Presents--A Good Joke on the Groom--"Madam, those are my
trousers"--Duties of the Best Man--A Demented Taxidermist's Strange
Gift -- The Bride's Tea--The Maid of Honor--What Aunt Edna Saw on
the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical Uses for
Bi-Carbonate of Soda--The Rehearsal --The Bridal Dinner--A Church
Wedding.
III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL Hints for the Correct
Pedestrianism--Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a
Pueblo Indian in 1837--Travelling by Rail-- Good Form on a Street
Car--In the Subway--Fun with an Old Gentleman's Whiskers--A
Honeymoon in a Subway--Travelling under Steam-A Correct Night in
a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in His Lower Berth.
IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA Listening to a Symphony
Orchestra--Curious Effect of Debussy's "Apres-midi d'un Faune" and
four gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick--"No, fool like an old fool"--Correct
Behavior at a Piano Recital--Choosing One's Nearest Exit--In a Box at
the Opera--What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old
Victrola Records.
V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS Some Broader Aspects of
Prohibition--Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish--The College
Graduate as Dry Agent--Aunt Emily's Amusing Experiences with a
Quart of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word
About Correct Costumes--A California Motion Picture Actress's Bad
Taste--Good Form for Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York
Clubman Said About Mr. Volstead.
VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS Selecting a Proper
School--Account of an Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss
Spence--Correct Equipment for the Schoolgirl --En Route--ln New
York--A journey Around the City--Description of the Visit of Ed.
Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858--The First Days in the New
School--"After Lights" in a Dormitory--An "Old Schoolgirl's"
Confessions--Becoming Acclimatized--A Visitor from

Princeton-Strange Pets.
VI. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS Golf as a
Pastime--What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His
Niblic--An Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice--"Shoot you for
your ear trumpet, grandfather!"--Correct Behavior on a Picnic--A
Swedish Nobleman's Curious Method of Eating Potato Chips--Boxing
in American Society--A Good Joke on an Amateur Boxer--"He didn't
know it was Jack Dempsey!"--Bridge Whist--Formal and Informal
Drinking--A jolly Hallowe'en Party -- Invitations -- Receiving the
Guests--How to Mystify--Games.
VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS Correspondence for
Young Ladies--College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by Mail
--Letters to Parents--A Prominent Retired Bank President's Advice to
Correspondents--Letters from Parents--Peculiarities of the Divorce
Laws of New York--Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law--A Correct
Form of Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that
Grocery Bill for Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents--Love
Letters--Correspondence of Public Officials---Letters to
Strangers--Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.--Invitations,
Acceptances and Regrets.
IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS