People You Know | Page 2

two.
Then he remembered that a Bird cannot fly with one Wing, so he gently
raised the Index Finger and gave the Prescription Clerk a Look, which
in the Sign Language means, "Repeat the Dose."
It is an Historical Fact that when a Man falls backward from the Water
Wagon he always lands in a Crowd. The full Stage Setting, the Light
Effects and the Red Fire were all ready to make it a Spectacular Affair.
Just after he had mowed away No. 2 and had stopped worrying about
the Winter's Coal, he began to meet Friends who were dying of Thirst.
Then the atmosphere began to be curdled with High Balls and
Plymouth Sours and Mint Smashes, and he was telling a Shoe
Drummer that a lot of People who had been knocking him would
probably be working for him before the Year was out.
[Illustration: For Three Weeks.]
Then he found himself in a four-oared Cablet and the Sea became very
Rough. There was something out of Whack with the Steering Gear, for
instead of bringing up at his Boarding House he found himself at
another Rum Parlor. The Man who owned the Place had lost the Key
and could not lock up. Here he met several Delegates to a State
Convention of a Fraternal Order having for its Purpose the uplifting of
Mankind. They wore Blue Badges and were fighting to get their Money
into the Cash Register. In a little while he and a red-headed Delegate
were up by the Cigar Counter singing, "How can I bear to leave thee?"
He put in an Application for Membership and then the next Picture that
came out of the Fog was a Chop Suey Restaurant and everybody
breaking Dishes.
[Illustration: Brothers.]
Soon after, the Lights went out and when he came back to Earth he was
lying the wrong way of his Bed with Blue Badges all over him, trying
to swallow a Bath Towel, which he afterward discovered was his
Tongue. By getting a Leverage under his Head he managed to pry it up

and then he sat on the edge of the Bed and called himself Names. He
had nothing left over except the Cards given to him by the Brothers
from up State somewhere. He had a dim and sneaking Recollection that
he had given his address and Phone Number to the whole Tribe and
begged them to look him up.
"Not any more in Mine," said he, as he held a Towel under the Faucet.
"Not for all of Morgan's would I look at any more of that Essence of
Trouble. I wonder if I'll live through the Morning."
That Day he lived on Bromo and Ice, and the only Satisfaction this Life
offered was the Fact that he was a Reformed Man.
On the Second Day he could look at Solid Food without having a
Spasm. His Hair stopped pulling and he began to speak to the People he
met. When asked to step out for a little while, he lost his Temper and
made a little Talk on the Subject, proving conclusively that there was
Nothing in it.
[Illustration: Never Again!]
As he walked homeward in the Dusk he passed the Clubs and Cafés
where those who Drank were rounding up and he felt sorry for them.
"Why can't they pass it up, the same as I do?" he asked himself. "Ah, if
only they knew how much more Fun it is to be Respectable."
It was an actual Mystery to him that any one could dally with a Dry
Martini while there was a Hydrant on every Corner.
On the third Day he was cracking his Whip and begging People to get
up on the Wagon with him. And he said it was a Queer Thing, but he
couldn't bear the Sight of it.
While on the fourth Evening he confessed to some nice People he met
at a Church Social that at one time he had allowed himself to be coaxed
into taking an occasional Nip but he reasoned it all out and decided it
was a Bad Thing and simply Chopped it right off. They told him it was

wonderful how much Will Power he had and asked him if he ever felt
the Old Craving coming back on him, and he said he could see it
splashing all around him and not have the faintest Desire to dip in.
He was so stuck on himself that he went around to call on all his
Friends who kept it on the Table so that he could wave it to one side
and tell how he despised it. He sat there and pitied those who were
inhaling it. Every Morning when he arose he would throw kisses to
himself in the Glass