Oh! Susannah! | Page 8

I've loved all my life! (arm outstretched, teapot in L. hand) To think that you're my wife at last! (slowly closing his arms) My wife! (hugging teapot, yowls) It seems too good to be true. And where are the patients Quayle said would flow In? Simply flow In! (waves teapot, tea, goes all over the stage) Hello! its flowing out.
(Enter Plant.)
(loudly) I say, where are my patients? (loudly, coming down stage, not seeing Plant)
Plant. (more loudly) And I say where are my daughters?
Doctor. (seeing him) My first! Quayle's right, after all. (comes to Plant teapot in hand, assumes professional air) Good afternoon, won't you sit down? (seats himself and writing table, puts teapot on blotter. He is always absent-minded when absorbed in his science)
Now! (earnestly) What can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh?
Plant. (aside) Well, upon my word, he's a cool customer. (stands R. of table)
Doctor. Come, come, let's hear what it is, or how I can help you; you know I'm in the habit of hearing confidences, (sees teapot, puts it under table)
Plant. (indignantly) Sir, I'm a father!
Doctor. (bowing) Sir, I congratulate you. (writes "Father" on note pad--to Plant cheerfully) Is it a boy or a girl?
Plant. (hotly) Two girls, sir.
Doctor. Dear, dear, I sympathize with you. (makes a note "two girls") Mother doing well?
Plant. (gesticulating wildly) The mother's dead, sir!
Doctor. (with sympathy) Ah, now I understand your agitation, (makes note) And the twins--are they well?
Plant. (wildly) Damn it, Sir, they're not twins, and I've lost 'em.
Doctor. Dear, dear! (aside) Lost his wife and both the poor little babies, (writing on note pad)
Plant. (chokingly) Only half an hour ago, and I've come to you----
Doctor. (putting up his hand) No, no, if your own Doctor won't grant a certificate, it's no use coming to me. (tears up notes)
Plant. I tell you I left 'em here, on this sofa.
Doctor. (rises indignantly) Oh my sofa! Then you'd no business to. How dare you leave the poor things lying on my sofa? Where are they? (looking under sofa cushions)
Plant. Hang it, sir, that's what I've come to ask you. What have you done with them?
(Enter Tupper.)
Tupper. (to Doctor) Please, sir, Mrs. O'Hara says--(hands him her account book)
Plant. (seizing Tupper) Where are my daughters? (crosses C, shaking Tupper--threatening him with big stick)
Tupper. I dunno, sir--give it up.
Plant. No prevarications! You saw the two young ladies.
Doctor. (surprised) Two young ladies! I see now!
Tupper. Are you their father, sir? I didn't think you was old enough.
Plant. (pleased, releases him, pats his head) Good lad! (crosses down L.)
Doctor. Where have they gone, Tupper?
Tupper, I dunno, sir--they was fetched.
Plant. Fetched? Who by? (rushing at Tupper furiously)
Tupper. I dunno, sir, two gentlemen--they didn't leave no name, they simply come, saw the ladies---and carried 'em off.
(Bus.--Plant threatening Tupper--Tupper arm up.)
(Exit Tupper quickly.)
Doctor. (aside) Just my luck--lost two cases!
Plant. A plot, sir--a vile plot--whoever the scoundrels are, they shall pay heavily for this wounded heart.
Doctor. (seriously) Heart? Cardiac? (hand on Plant's heart, listens)
Plant. (half crying, on Doctor's arm) My precious jewels! Two dear girls, Doctor. who have never caused me a moment's uneasiness all their blessed lives.
Doctor. Apparently not. Hadn't you better go and look for them?
Plant. (excitedly walks up and down) Ah, you are not a father--
Doctor. (aside, looking through microscope) Hope not--only married this morning.
Plant. --or you couldn't stand there unmoved. I am struck down in the flower of my days; this is a stroke, sir, a fatal stroke. Ach! (cries out with pain--puts hands to his back)
Doctor. That's not a stroke--that's lumbago.
Plant. (hotly) Hang it, sir, I speak in parables--I'm not a patient!
Doctor. Not a patient! Then what do you come here for? Parables are no good to me. I've got my living to earn! (rings bell) Good afternoon!
(Enter Aurora.)
Aurora. 'Ere's a letter for you, sir.
Doctor. (taking it) Thanks, and show this gentleman out.
Aurora. Very good, sir, we are busy to-day, sir. (to Plant) This way out. (at door)
Plant. (to Doctor) You little know whom you are insulting. Some day, sir, your eyes will be opened--and you will discover that the country cousin--
(Aurora listens and mimics him.)
--whom you spurned from your door, was none other than a fairy prince, who will this very day lift you from the slough of grovelling poverty to the realms of affluence and prosperity. Good day, sir!
(Aurora crosses and exits behind Plant.)
Doctor. (alone) "This very day"--"Affluence and prosperity"--"fairy prince"--oh, he's off his dot! (looks at postmark) "Ambleside." Why, it's from (rises and crosses L.) Aunt Susannah! "My dear Nephew: I have heard glowing accounts of your success." My success! "I long to see my brilliant nephew --I'm coming up to London to-morrow." To-morrow--to-morrow, (looks at calander) that's Saturday, good job it's not to-day. Mrs. O'Hara's got an Irish party on upstairs and Aunt Susie's so awfully quiet she can't stand the