Oh! Susannah! | Page 4

you're the fust callers we've ever 'ad. (aside) Bar the tailor.
Ruby. The first? (to Pearl) He is starving!
Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. (crosses to Plant) He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through you, sir, weskit an' all. 'E don't hax no hex rays to tell 'im. (to Ruby) 'E knows all what's goin' on in yer innards----
Plant. Ahem! That will do. Er--no doubt, no doubt.
Tupper. No bloomin' doubt, sir. (going to him) But I do 'ope you'll pay afore leavin'--'cos it's Lady Day, an these 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet--an' if they ain't--they're a-comin' orf.
Plant. That'll do! We don't want to hear any fairy tales.
Tupper. (sadly) There ain't no tails about these 'ere. (looking at his jacket) It's a norrible fac'!
Plant. You can go--(to Tupper) both of you. (to Aurora)
Aurora. (having fetched pail--to Tupper) Come aw'y, you talk too much. I'm the doctor's local demon when 'e's aw'y.
(Exeunt Tupper and Aurora.)
Plant. Nice sort of servants for a doctor to have. (puts book on couch)
Pearl. (to Ruby. who is reading a letter) Who's that from?
Ruby. Lieutenant Merry!
Pearl. Oh, let me read it!
(They read it together.)
Plant. (aside) A thousand a year for an unbusinesslike young fool, and here am I, her own cousin's husband, and she's never given me a penny, except what I've borrowed. (Bus. with pocket hairbrush, mirror at back) I did think my chance had come when she sent for me to Cumberland. I got the hair-dresser to touch out all the grey ones, thinking I might fetch the old girl, but as soon as she saw me she was very rude, called me a fright, and began asking some damned awkward questions about my late wife's trust money. Just my luck! (sits at writing table)
Pearl. (reading from letter which Ruby holds) "And, my darling Ruby--if your father dies"--there's not much "if" about it. He does. (taps her hair) I've seen the bottle.
(Both giggle.)
Plant. (aside, looking in pocket mirror) So I took the next train back to Southsea, and romped my daughters up to town. If Ruby can only hook the doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm saved--if she can't--I'm--ahem!
Ruby. (aside to Pearl) And only think, Pearl. when he's an Admiral, I shall be Lady Merry--perhaps a Duchess!
Pearl. But, father----
Ruby. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a surprise for his birthday.
Pearl. He'll be 63 next birthday--he looks more like 36.
(Both laugh.)
Plant. (to them) Stop that silly giggling! (crosses over to the two, sends Pearl across to table) Go and sit over there. Ruby. my precious jewel, I have something very solemn to say while we are waiting to see the doctor.
Ruby. (jumping up, excitedly) Pa, don't say you've brought us for the doctor to sound us.
Pearl. (quietly, sitting still) He shan't sound me!
Plant. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound the doctor, (pulls Ruby down again and sits r. of her on couch)
Ruby. (excitedly) What about?
Plant. You are aware that although we are strangers to Doctor Sheppard, he is our cousin.
Ruby. Second cousin, pa!
Pearl. On mother's side.
Ruby. Three times removed.
Plant. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far removed in the future. I regret very deeply that we have never yet enjoyed the friendship of--er--dear cousin Jack.
Pearl. You have frequently remarked, it was not worth while to cultivate any of our poor relations.
Plant. (hotly) Do you want your pocket money stopped? The fact is. Pearl. you're bringing my grey hairs----(stroking his black locks)
Pearl. (quietly) Your what?
Plant. (jumping up) I stop your pocket money for a month! Ooh! (puts his hand to his back) This lumbago is unbearable. When a man gets to my time of life----
Pearl. (quietly) What time is it now?
Plant. (hotly) I stop your pocket money for three months!
Pearl. (rises) Really, father, a solicitor should be more cautious. I meant to say the time is getting on, (points to clock and crosses to couch--stands behind Ruby) and you have not yet informed us of the "very solemn" something you have to say.
Plant. I accept your explanation--without prejudice. (stands R. of couch) I say when a man gets to my time of life--the future happiness of his offspring becomes an all-engrossing theme. You are aware that when exalted personages contemplate a matrimonial alliance, they neyer look outside the family. Living as we do, in so fashionable a resort as Southsea, we cannot be too --er--"tony" in such important matters. Now you are both--as I know, being your father--heart-free.
(Pearl digs Ruby hard in the ribs.)
Ruby. (crying out) Oh!
Plant. How dare you interrupt me!
Ruby. I didn't, pa, it was----
Pearl. Sneak! (pinching her arm) Ruby. It was nothing!
(Pearl sits in big armchair.)
(aside to Pearl) Little cat!
Plant. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. You have heard from that stupid Buttons what a noble character the doctor bears, and no man is a hero to