Observations by Mr Dooley | Page 4

ye-er
hand, an' grab ye be th' collar, an' cry 'Up, Hinnissy, an' to wurruk!' f'r
I'd know ye were loafin'. Believe me, Hinnissy, readin' is not thinkin'. It
seems like it, an' whin it comes out in talk sometimes, it sounds like it.
It's a kind iv nearthought that looks ginooine to th' thoughtless, but ye
can't get annything on it. Manny a man I've knowed has so doped
himsilf with books that he'd stumble over a carpet-tack.
"Am I again' all books, says ye? I'm not. If I had money, I'd have all th'
good lithrachoor iv th' wurruld on me table at this minyit. I mightn't
read it, but there it'd be so that anny iv me frinds cud dhrop in an' help
thimsilves if they didn't care f'r other stimylants. I have no taste f'r
readin', but I won't deny it's a good thing f'r thim that's addicted to it. In
modheration, mind ye. In modheration, an' afther th' chores is done. F'r
as a frind iv Hogan's says, 'Much readin' makes a full man,' an' he knew
what he was talkin' about. An' do I object to th' pursuit iv lithrachoor?
Oh, faith, no. As a pursuit 'tis fine, but it may be bad f'r anny wan that
catches it."

The Law's Delays

"If I had me job to pick out," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd be a judge. I've
looked over all th' others an' that's th' on'y wan that suits. I have th'
judicyal timperamint. I hate wurruk.

"Ivrybody else is pushed an' hurrid in this tumulchuse age. Th' business
man has to get to th' bank befure it closes an' th' banker has to get there
befure th' business man escapes, an' th' high-priced actor has to kill off
more gradyates iv th' school iv actin' thin iver he did, an' th' night
editions iv th' pa-apers comes out arlier ivry mornin'. All is rush an'
worry. Kings an' imprors duck about their jooties like bell-hops, th'
pampered son iv luxury at Newport is thryin' f'r a mile a minyit in his
autymobill an' th' on'y leisure class left in th' wurruld is th' judicyary.
Mind ye, Hinnissy, I'm not sayin' annything again' thim. I won't dhrag
th' joodicyal ermine in th' mud though I haven't noticed that manny iv
thim lift it immodestly whin they takes th' pollytical crossing. I have th'
high rayspict f'r th' job that's th' alternative iv sixty days in jail. Besides,
me boy, I invy thim.
"Somewhere a la-ad hits somewan on th' head with an axe or sinds him
a bunch iv proosic acid done up to look like candy. Maybe he does an'
maybe he don't; but annyhow that's what he's lagged f'r. Th' polis are in
a hurry to get to th' pool-room befure th' flag falls in th' first race an'
they carry th' case to th' gran' jury; th' gran' jury indicts him without a
thought or a suspicion iv ax har-rd feelin', th' judge takes his breakfast
on th' bench to be there in time an' charges th' jury to be fair but not to
f'rget th' man done it, an' th' jury rayturns a verdict iv guilty with three
cheers an' a tiger. Th' pris'ner has hardly time to grab up his hat befure
he 's hauled off to his funeral obsequies, an' th' onprejudiced public
feels happy about it. I don't believe in capital punishmint, Hinnissy, but
'twill niver be abolished while th' people injye it so much. They 're jus'
squarin' thimsilves f'r th' rayvoltin' details whin wurrud comes that
Judge Tamarack iv Opolis has granted a stay iv proceedin's. Stays iv
pro-ceedin's is devices, Hinnissy, be which th' high coorts keep in form.
'Tis a lagal joke. I med it up. Says Judge Tamarack: 'I know very little
about this ease excipt what I've been tol' be th' larned counsel f'r th'
dayfinse, an' I don't believe that, but I agree with Lord Coke in th'
maxim that th' more haste th' less sleep. Therefore to all sheriffs,
greetin': Fen jarrin' th' pris'ner till ye hear fr'm us.'
"So th' pris'ner waits an' dhreams he 's a lightnin' rod an' th' public waits
an' ivrybody waits. Th' high coort is busy in its way. Ivry two or three

years it is discovered takin' a nap at a county seat in th' corn belt, an' it
hands down a decision f'r th' defindant in a case f'r damages growin' out
iv th' Shay rebillion. Then it dhrops off again. Th' judge that thried th'
case retires to a well-arned job with a railrood comp'ny, th' jury has
ceased to look f'r their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' th' insurance
comp'nies insure young Cyanide's life f'r the lowest known