Observations by Mr Dooley | Page 3

givin' hersilf away if 't will bring a tear to th' eye or a smile to th' lips.
But a man does. He has more to give away. I'm not sayin' that anny
man can't write betther thin a woman if he wants to. But so can he cuk
betther, an' sew betther, an' paint minichoors betther, an' do annything
betther but nurse th' baby--if he wants to; but he don't often want to. He
despises such thrivyal pursuits. Mos' iv th' gr-reat writers I iver see th'
pitchers iv was little, thin, peevish men that was always gettin' licked.
Wanst in a while a sthrong man got into th' game, a bull-necked,
round-headed man that might have made a fine thrackmaster or
boiler-maker, but was addicted to dhrink, an' niver had energy enough
left in th' mornin' f'r annything more thin writin' th' best plays or th'
finest novels or th' gr-reatest histhries in th' wurruld. But if ye got at th'
rale feelin' iv three-meal-a-day men about writin', ye'd find they classed
it with preachin', school-teachin', play-actin', dancin', an' lace-wurruk.
A man iv that kind might start to write, but if he did, he'd stop an' think

afther a while, an' say to himsilf: 'What's a big, sthrong, able-bodied,
two-hundhred-an'-tin-pound, forty-four-acrost-th'-chest crather like me
doin' here, pokin' these funny hireyoglyphics into a piece iv pa-aper
with a little sthick? I guess I'll go out an' shoe a horse.'
"So it is with readin'. I'm tol' I ought to read more be Hogan, who's wan
iv th' best-read an' mos' ignorant men I know. Well, maybe I ought,
though whin I was a young man, an' was helpin' to build up this
counthry, th' principal use iv lithrachoor was as a weepin. In thim days,
if a little boy was seen readin' a book, his father took it away fr'm him
an' bate him on th' head with it. Me father was th' mos' accyrate man in
th' wurruld with letthers. He found th' range nachrally, an' he cud wing
anny wan iv us with th' 'Lives iv th' Saints' as far as he cud see. He was
a poor man, an' on'y had such books in his libr'y as a gintleman shud
take, but if ye'd give him libr'y enough, he'd capture Giberaltor. If
lithrachoor niver pinethrated me intelleck, 'twas not his fault. But
nowadays, whin I go down th' sthreet, I see th' childher settin' on th'
front steps studyin' a book through double-compound-convex
spectacles, lookin' like th' offspring of a profissyonal diver. What'll
they iver grow up to be? Be hivins! that la-ad Carnaygie knows his
business. He is studied th' situation, an' he undhersthands that if he
builds libr'ies enough an' gets enough people readin' books, they won't
be anny wan left afther a while capable iv takin' away what he's got. Ye
bet he didn't larn how to make steel billets out iv 'Whin Knighthood
was in Flower.' He larned it be confabulatin' afther wurrukin' hours
with some wan that knew how. I think he must be readin' now, f'r he's
writin' wan or two. 'Tis th' way with a man who takes to readin' late in
life. He can't keep it down.
"Readin', me frind, is talked about be all readin' people as though it was
th' on'y thing that makes a man betther thin his neighbors. But th' thruth
is that readin' is th' nex' thing this side iv goin' to bed f'r restin' th' mind.
With mos' people it takes th' place iv wurruk. A man doesn't think whin
he's readin', or if he has to, th' book is no fun. Did ye iver have
something to do that ye ought to do, but didn't want to, an' while ye was
wishin' ye was dead, did ye happen to pick up a newspaper? Ye know
what occurred. Ye didn't jus' skim through th' spoortin' intillygince an'

th' crime news. Whin ye got through with thim, ye read th' other
quarther iv th' pa-aper. Ye read about people ye niver heerd iv, an'
happenin's ye didn't undhersthand--th' fashion notes, th' theatrical
gossip, th' s'ciety news fr'm Peoria, th' quotations on oats, th' curb
market, th' rale-estate transfers, th' marredge licenses, th' death notices,
th' want ads., th' dhrygoods bargains, an' even th' iditoryals. Thin ye
r-read thim over again, with a faint idee ye'd read thim befure. Thin ye
yawned, studied th' design iv th' carpet, an' settled down to wurruk.
Was ye exercisin' ye-er joynt intelleck while ye was readin'? No more
thin if ye'd been whistlin' or writin' ye-er name on a pa-aper. If anny
wan else but me come along they might say: 'What a mind Hinnissy has!
He's always readin'.' But I wud kick th' book or pa-aper out iv