My Double Life | Page 3

there was terrible grief in store for me. There was no
window in the little room in which I slept, and I began to cry, and
escaped from the arms of my nurse, who was dressing me, so that I
could go into the adjoining room. I ran to the round window, which
was an immense "bull's-eye" above the doorway. I pressed my stubborn
brow against the glass, and began to scream with rage on seeing no
trees, no box-weed, no leaves falling, nothing, nothing but stone--cold,
grey, ugly stone--and panes of glass opposite me. "I want to go away! I
don't want to stay here! It is all black, black! It is ugly! I want to see the
ceiling of the street!" and I burst into tears. My poor nurse took me up
in her arms, and, folding me in a rug, took me down into the courtyard.
"Lift up your head, Milk Blossom, and look! See--there is the ceiling of
the street!"
It comforted me somewhat to see that there was some sky in this ugly
place, but my little soul was very sad. I could not eat, and I grew pale
and became anaemic, and should certainly have died of consumption if
it had not been for a mere chance, a most unexpected incident. One day
I was playing in the courtyard with a little girl, called Titine, who lived
on the second floor, and whose face or real name I cannot recall, when
I saw my nurse's husband walking across the courtyard with two ladies,
one of whom was most fashionably attired. I could only see their backs,
but the voice of the fashionably attired lady caused my heart to stop
beating. My poor little body trembled with nervous excitement.
"Do any of the windows look on to the courtyard?" she asked.
"Yes, Madame, those four," he replied, pointing to four open ones on
the first floor.
The lady turned to look at them, and I uttered a cry of joy.
"Aunt Rosine! Aunt Rosine!" I exclaimed, clinging to the skirts of the

pretty visitor. I buried my face in her furs, stamping, sobbing, laughing,
and tearing her wide lace sleeves in my frenzy of delight. She took me
in her arms and tried to calm me, and questioning the concierge, she
stammered out to her friend: "I can't understand what it all means! This
is little Sarah! My sister Youle's child!"
The noise I made had attracted attention, and people opened their
windows. My aunt decided to take refuge in the concierge's lodge, in
order to come to an explanation. My poor nurse told her about all that
had taken place, her husband's death, and her second marriage. I do not
remember what she said to excuse herself. I clung to my aunt, who was
deliciously perfumed, and I would not let go of her. She promised to
come the following day to fetch me, but I did not want to stay any
longer in that dark place. I asked to start at once with my nurse. My
aunt stroked my hair gently, and spoke to her friend in a language I did
not understand. She tried in vain to explain something to me; I do not
know what it was, but I insisted that I wanted to go away with her at
once. In a gentle, tender, caressing voice, but without any real affection,
she said all kinds of pretty things, stroked me with her gloved hands,
patted my frock, which was turned up, and made any amount of
charming, frivolous little gestures, but all without any real feeling. She
then went away, at her friend's entreaty, after emptying her purse in my
nurse's hands. I rushed towards the door, but the husband of my nurse,
who had opened it for her, now closed it again. My nurse was crying,
and, taking me in her arms, she opened the window, saying to me,
"Don't cry, Milk Blossom. Look at your pretty aunt; she will come back
again, and then you can go away with her." Great tears rolled down her
calm, round, handsome face. I could see nothing but the dark, black
hole which remained there immutable behind me, and in a fit of despair
I rushed out to my aunt, who was just getting into a carriage. After that
I knew nothing more; everything seemed dark, there was a noise in the
distance. I could hear voices far, far away. I had managed to escape
from my poor nurse, and had fallen down on the pavement in front of
my aunt. I had broken my arm in two places, and injured my left
knee-cap. I only came to myself again a few hours later, to find that I
was in a beautiful, wide bed