Mrs Lirripers Lodgings | Page 8

said "Sir, Mrs. Lirriper is your
humble servant." "Astonishing!" says he. "A million pardons! Madam,
may I ask you to have the kindness to direct one of your domestics to
open the door to a gentleman in search of apartments, by the name of
Jackman?" I had never heard the name but a politer gentleman I never
hope to see, for says he, "Madam I am shocked at your opening the
door yourself to no worthier a fellow than Jemmy Jackman. After you
Madam. I never precede a lady." Then he comes into the parlours and
he sniffs, and he says "Hah! These are parlours! Not musty cupboards"
he says "but parlours, and no smell of coal-sacks." Now my dear it
having been remarked by some inimical to the whole neighbourhood
that it always smells of coal-sacks which might prove a drawback to
Lodgers if encouraged, I says to the Major gently though firmly that I
think he is referring to Arundel or Surrey or Howard but not Norfolk.
"Madam" says he "I refer to Wozenham's lower down over the way--
Madam you can form no notion what Wozenham's is--Madam it is a
vast coal-sack, and Miss Wozenham has the principles and manners of
a female heaver--Madam from the manner in which I have heard her
mention you I know she has no appreciation of a lady, and from the
manner in which she has conducted herself towards me I know she has
no appreciation of a gentleman--Madam my name is Jackman--should
you require any other reference than what I have already said, I name
the Bank of England--perhaps you know it!" Such was the beginning of
the Major's occupying the parlours and from that hour to this the same
and a most obliging Lodger and punctual in all respects except one
irregular which I need not particularly specify, but made up for by his
being a protection and at all times ready to fill in the papers of the
Assessed Taxes and Juries and that, and once collared a young man
with the drawing-room clock under his coat, and once on the parapets
with his own hands and blankets put out the kitchen chimney and

afterwards attending the summons made a most eloquent speech
against the Parish before the magistrates and saved the engine, and ever
quite the gentleman though passionate. And certainly Miss
Wozenham's detaining the trunks and umbrella was not in a liberal
spirit though it may have been according to her rights in law or an act I
would myself have stooped to, the Major being so much the gentleman
that though he is far from tall he seems almost so when he has his
shirt-frill out and his frock-coat on and his hat with the curly brims, and
in what service he was I cannot truly tell you my dear whether Militia
or Foreign, for I never heard him even name himself as Major but
always simple "Jemmy Jackman" and once soon after he came when I
felt it my duty to let him know that Miss Wozenham had put it about
that he was no Major and I took the liberty of adding "which you are
sir" his words were "Madam at any rate I am not a Minor, and
sufficient for the day is the evil thereof" which cannot be denied to be
the sacred truth, nor yet his military ways of having his boots with only
the dirt brushed off taken to him in the front parlour every morning on
a clean plate and varnishing them himself with a little sponge and a
saucer and a whistle in a whisper so sure as ever his breakfast is ended,
and so neat his ways that it never soils his linen which is scrupulous
though more in quality than quantity, neither that nor his mustachios
which to the best of my belief are done at the same time and which are
as black and shining as his boots, his head of hair being a lovely white.
It was the third year nearly up of the Major's being in the parlours that
early one morning in the month of February when Parliament was
coming on and you may therefore suppose a number of impostors were
about ready to take hold of anything they could get, a gentleman and a
lady from the country came in to view the Second, and I well remember
that I had been looking out of window and had watched them and the
heavy sleet driving down the street together looking for bills. I did not
quite take to the face of the gentleman though he was good-looking too
but the lady was a very pretty young thing and delicate, and it seemed
too rough for her to be out at all