Mrs Caudles Curtain Lectures | Page 5

going to sit up for you, Mr. Caudle, you're very much mistaken. No:
and I'm not going to get out of my warm bed to let you in, either. No:
nor Susan shan't sit up for you. No: nor you shan't have a latchkey. I'm
not going to sleep with the door upon the latch, to be murdered before
the morning.
"Faugh! Pah! Whewgh! That filthy tobacco-smoke! It's enough to kill
any decent woman. You know I hate tobacco, and yet you will do it.
YOU DON'T SMOKE YOURSELF? What of that? If you go among

people who DO smoke, you're just as bad, or worse. You might as well
smoke- -indeed, better. Better smoke yourself than come home with
other people's smoke all in your hair and whiskers.
"I never knew any good come to a man who went to a tavern. Nice
companions he picks up there! Yes! people who make it a boast to treat
their wives like slaves, and ruin their families. There's that wretch
Harry Prettyman. See what he's come to! He doesn't get home now till
two in the morning; and then in what a state! He begins quarrelling
with the door-mat, that his poor wife may be afraid to speak to him. A
mean wretch! But don't you think I'll be like Mrs. Prettyman. No: I
wouldn't put up with it from the best man that ever trod. You'll not
make me afraid to speak to you, however you may swear at the
door-mat. No, Mr. Caudle, that you won't.
"YOU DON'T INTEND TO STAY OUT TILL TWO IN THE
MORNING?
"How do you know what you'll do when you get among such people?
Men can't answer for themselves when they get boozing one with
another. They never think of their poor wives, who are grieving and
wearing themselves out at home. A nice headache you'll have
to-morrow morning--or rather THIS morning; for it must be past twelve.
YOU WON'T HAVE A HEADACHE? It's very well for you to say so,
but I know you will; and then you may nurse yourself for me. Ha! that
filthy tobacco again! No; I shall not go to sleep like a good soul. How's
people to go to sleep when they're suffocated?
"Yes, Mr. Caudle, you'll be nice and ill in the morning! But don't you
think I'm going to let you have your breakfast in bed, like Mrs.
Prettyman. I'll not be such a fool. No; nor I won't have discredit
brought upon the house by sending for soda-water early, for all the
neighbourhood to say, 'Caudle was drunk last night.' No: I've some
regard for the dear children, if you haven't. No: nor you shan't have
broth for dinner. Not a neck of mutton crosses my threshold, I can tell
you.
"YOU WON'T WANT SODA, AND YOU WON'T WANT BROTH?

All the better. You wouldn't get 'em if you did, I can assure you.--Dear,
dear, dear! That filthy tobacco! I'm sure it's enough to make me as bad
as you are. Talking about getting divorced,--I'm sure tobacco ought to
be good grounds. How little does a woman think, when she marries,
that she gives herself up to be poisoned! You men contrive to have it all
of your own side, you do. Now if I was to go and leave you and the
children, a pretty noise there'd be! You, however, can go and smoke no
end of pipes and--YOU DIDN'T SMOKE? It's all the same, Mr. Caudle,
if you go among smoking people. Folks are known by their company.
You'd better smoke yourself, than bring home the pipes of all the
world.
"Yes, I see how it will be. Now you've once gone to a tavern, you'll
always be going. You'll be coming home tipsy every night; and
tumbling down and breaking your leg, and putting out your shoulder;
and bringing all sorts of disgrace and expense upon us. And then you'll
be getting into a street fight--oh! I know your temper too well to doubt
it, Mr. Caudle--and be knocking down some of the police. And then I
know what will follow. It MUST follow. Yes, you'll be sent for a
month or six weeks to the treadmill. Pretty thing that, for a respectable
tradesman, Mr. Caudle, to be put upon the treadmill with all sorts of
thieves and vagabonds, and--there, again, that horrible tobacco!--and
riffraff of every kind. I should like to know how your children are to
hold up their heads, after their father has been upon the treadmill?--No;
I WON'T go to sleep. And I'm not talking of what's impossible. I know
it will all happen- -every bit of it. If it wasn't for the dear children, you
might be ruined and I wouldn't so much as speak about it, but--oh,