Mrs Caudles Curtain Lectures | Page 4

Mr.
Caudle? Your wife and children may all be burnt alive in their beds--as
all of us to a certainty shall be, for the insurance MUST drop. And after
we've insured for so many years! But how, I should like to know, are
people to insure who make ducks and drakes of their five pounds?
"I did think we might go to Margate this summer. There's poor little
Caroline, I'm sure she wants the sea. But no, dear creature! she must
stop at home--all of us must stop at home--she'll go into a consumption,
there's no doubt of that; yes--sweet little angel!--I've made up my mind
to lose her, NOW. The child might have been saved; but people can't
save their children and throw away their five pounds too.
"I wonder where poor little Mopsy is! While you were lending that five

pounds, the dog ran out of the shop. You know, I never let it go into the
street, for fear it should be bit by some mad dog, and come home and
bite all the children. It wouldn't now at all astonish me if the animal
was to come back with the hydrophobia, and give it to all the family.
However, what's your family to you, so you can play the liberal
creature with five pounds?
"Do you hear that shutter, how it's banging to and fro? Yes,--I know
what it wants as well as you; it wants a new fastening. I was going to
send for the blacksmith to-day, but now it's out of the question: NOW it
must bang of nights, since you've thrown away five pounds.
"Ha! there's the soot falling down the chimney. If I hate the smell of
anything, it's the smell of soot. And you know it; but what are my
feelings to you? SWEEP THE CHIMNEY! Yes, it's all very fine to say
sweep the chimney--but how are chimneys to be swept--how are they to
be paid for by people who don't take care of their five pounds?
"Do you hear the mice running about the room? I hear them. If they
were to drag only you out of bed, it would be no matter. SET A TRAP
FOR THEM! Yes, it's easy enough to say--set a trap for 'em. But how
are people to afford mouse-traps, when every day they lose five
pounds?
"Hark! I'm sure there's a noise downstairs. It wouldn't at all surprise me
if there were thieves in the house. Well, it MAY be the cat; but thieves
are pretty sure to come in some night. There's a wretched fastening to
the back-door; but these are not times to afford bolts and bars, when
people won't take care of their five pounds.
"Mary Anne ought to have gone to the dentist's to-morrow. She wants
three teeth taken out. Now, it can't be done. Three teeth that quite
disfigure the child's mouth. But there they must stop, and spoil the
sweetest face that was ever made. Otherwise, she'd have been a wife for
a lord. Now, when she grows up, who'll have her? Nobody. We shall
die, and leave her alone and unprotected in the world. But what do you
care for that? Nothing; so you can squander away five pounds."

"And thus," comments Caudle, "according to my wife, she--dear soul!--
couldn't have a satin gown--the girls couldn't have new bonnets--the
water-rate must stand over--Jack must get his death through a broken
window--our fire-insurance couldn't be paid, so that we should all fall
victims to the devouring element--we couldn't go to Margate, and
Caroline would go to an early grave--the dog would come home and
bite us all mad--the shutter would go banging for ever--the soot would
always fall--the mice never let us have a wink of sleep--thieves be
always breaking in the house--our dear Mary Anne be for ever left an
unprotected maid,--and with other evils falling upon us, all, all because
I would go on lending five pounds!"

LECTURE II--MR. CAUDLE HAS BEEN AT A TAVERN WITH A
FRIEND, AND IS "ENOUGH TO POISON A WOMAN" WITH
TOBACCO-SMOKE

"Poor me! Ha! I'm sure I don't know who'd be a poor woman! I don't
know who'd tie themselves up to a man, if they knew only half they'd
have to bear. A wife must stay at home, and be a drudge, whilst a man
can go anywhere. It's enough for a wife to sit like Cinderella by the
ashes, whilst her husband can go drinking and singing at a tavern. YOU
NEVER SING? How do I know you never sing? It's very well for you
to say so; but if I could hear you, I daresay you're among the worst of
'em.
"And now, I suppose, it will be the tavern every night? If you think I'm