Mr. Dooley Says | Page 9

hersilf. (Cheers.) Th' Prisident was a little onruly, but he was
frequently that way. Th' marrid ladies in th' aujeence wud undherstand.
He meant nawthin'. It was on'y wan iv his tantrums. A little moral
suasion wud bring him ar-round all right. At prisint th' Chief Magistrate
was in th' kitchen with his daughter settin' on his head.
"'Th' speech was received with loud cheers, an' th' mob proceeded
down Pinnslyvanya Avnoo. Be noon all enthrances to th' capital were
jammed. Congressmen attimptin' to enter were seized be th' hair iv th'
head an' made to sign a pa-aper promisin' to vote right. Immejately
afther th' prayer th' Hon'rable Clarence Gumdhrop iv Matsachoosetts
offered th' suffrage bill f'r passage. 'Th' motion is out iv ordher,' began
th' Speaker. At this minyit a lady standin' behind th' chair dhrove a
darning needle through his coat tails. 'But,' continued th' Speaker,
reachin' behind him with an agnized ex'pression, 'I will let it go
annyhow.' 'Mr. Speaker, I protest,' began th' Hon'rable Attila Sthrong, 'I
protest--' At this a perfeck tornado iv rage broke out in th' gall'ries.
Inkwells, bricks, combs, shoes, smellin' bottles, hand mirrors, fans, an'
powdher puffs were hurled at th' onforchnit mimber. In the midst iv th'
confusion th' wife iv Congressman Sthrong cud be seen wavin' a par'sol
over her head an' callin' out: 'I dare ye to come home to-night,
polthroon.'
"'Whin th' noise partially subsided, th' bold Congressman, his face livid
with emotion, was heard to remark with a sob: 'I was on'y about to say I
second th' motion, deary.' Th' bill was carried without a dissintin' voice,
an' rushed over to th' Sinit. There it was opposed be Jeff Davis but
afther a brief dialogue with th' leader iv th' suffrageites, he swooned
away. Th' Sinit fin'lly insthructed th' clerk to cast th' unanimous vote f'r
th' measure. To-night in th' prisince iv a vast multichood th' Prisident
was led out be his wife. He was supported, or rather pushed, be two iv

his burly daughters. He seemed much confused, an' his wife had to
point out th' place where he was to sign. With tremblin' fingers he
affixed his signature an' was led back.
"'The night passed quietly. Th' sthreets were crowded all avenin' with
good-natured throngs iv ladies, an' in front iv th' dry goods stores,
which were illuminated f'r th' occasion, it was almost impossible to get
through. Iv coorse there were th' usual riochous scenes in th' dhrug
stores, where th' bibulous gathered at th' sody-wather counthers an'
cillybrated th' victory in lemon, vanilla, an' choc'late, some iv thim
keepin' it up till 9 o'clock, or aven later.' 'Whin that comes about, me
child,' says I, 'ye may sheathe ye'er hat pins in ye'er millinary, f'r ye'll
have as much right to vote as th' most ignorant man in th' ward. But
don't ask f'r rights. Take thim. An' don't let anny wan give thim to ye. A
right that is handed to ye f'r nawthin' has somethin' th' matther with it.
It's more than likely it's on'y a wrong turned inside out,' says I. 'I didn't
fight f'r th' rights I'm told I injye, though to tell ye th' truth I injye me
wrongs more; but some wan did. Some time some fellow was prepared
to lay down his life, or betther still, th' other fellows', f'r th' right to
vote.'"
"I believe ye're in favor iv it ye'ersilf," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Faith," said Mr. Dooley, "I'm not wan way or th' other. I don't care.
What diff'rence does it make? I wudden't mind at all havin' a little soap
an' wather, a broom an' a dusther applied to pollyticks. It wudden't do
anny gr-reat harm if a man cudden't be illicted to office onless he kept
his hair combed an' blacked his boots an' shaved his chin wanst a
month. Annyhow, as Hogan says, I care not who casts th' votes iv me
counthry so long as we can hold th' offices. An' there's on'y wan way to
keep the women out iv office, an' that's to give thim a vote."

THE BACHELOR TAX
"This here pa-aper says," said Mr. Hennessy, "that they're goin' to put a
tax on bachelors. That's r-right. Why shudden't there be a tax on

bachelors? There's one on dogs."
"That's r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they're goin' to make it five
dollars a year. Th' dogs pay only two. It's quite a concession to us. They
consider us more thin twice as vallyable, or annyhow more thin twice
as dangerous as dogs. I suppose ye expect next year to see me throttin'
around with a leather collar an' a brass tag on me neck. If me tax isn't
paid th' bachelor wagon'll come over