Mr Dooleys Philosophy | Page 8

old man!' he says. 'I was ilicted young an' I niver
done annything since,' he says. 'I wudden't know what to do without it,'
he says. 'What ye propose is to make an ex- prisidint iv me. D'ye think I
cud stand that? D'ye think at my age I wud be contint to dash fr'm wan
justice coort to another pleadin' f'r habyas-corpus writs or test me
principles iv personal expansion in a Noo Jarsey village?' he says. 'I'd
rather be a dead prisidint thin a live ex-prisidint. If I have anny
pollytical ambition I'd rather be a Grant or a Garfield thin a Cleveland
or a Harrison,' he says. 'I may've read it in th' Bible, though I think I
saw it in a scand'lous book me frind Rhodes left in his bedroom las'
time he called on me, that ye shud niver discard an ace to dhraw to a
flush,' he says. 'I deplore th' language but th' sintimint is sound,' he says.
'An' I believe ye'er intintions to presarve peace ar-re honest, but I don't
like to see ye pullin' off ye'er coat an' here goes f'r throuble while ye
have ye'er arms in th' sleeves,' he says. 'F'r,' he says, 'ye have put ye'er
hand in th' reaper an' it cannot turn back,' he says.
"An' there they go, Hinnissy. I'm not again England in this thing,
Hinnissy, an' I'm not again th' Boers. Like Mack I'm divided on a
matther iv principle between a desire to cemint th' 'lieance an' an
affiction f'r th' Dutch vote. But if Kruger had spint his life in a rale
raypublic where they burn gas he cud've settled th' business without
losin' sleep. If I was Kruger there'd've been no war."
"What wud ye have done?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
"I'd give thim th' votes," said Mr. Dooley. "But," he added significantly,
"I'd do th' countin'."

WAR AND WAR MAKERS
"I tell ye, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley, "Ye can't do th' English- speakin'

people. Oursilves an' th' hands acrost th' sea ar-re rapidly teachin' th'
benighted Lutheryan an' other haythin that as a race we're onvincible
an' oncatcheable. Th' Anglo-Saxon race meetin's now going on in th'
Ph'lippeens an' South Africa ought to convince annywan that give us a
fair start an' we can bate th' wurruld to a tillygraft office.
"Th' war our cousins be Sir Thomas Lipton is prosecutin', as Hogan
says, again th' foul but accrate Boers is doin' more thin that. It's givin'
us a common war lithrachoor. I wudden't believe at first whin I r-read
th' dispatches in th' pa-apers that me frind Gin'ral Otis wasn't in South
Africa. It was on'y whin I see another chapter iv his justly cillybrated
seeryal story, intitled 'Th' Capture iv Porac' that I knew he had an
imitator in th' mother counthry. An' be hivins, I like th' English la- ad's
style almost as well as our own gr-reat artist's. Mebbe'tis, as th'
pa-apers say, that Otis has writ himsilf out. Annyhow th' las' chapter
isn't thrillin'. He says: 'To-day th' ar-rmy undher my command fell upon
th' inimy with gr-reat slaughter an' seized th' important town of Porac
which I have mintioned befure, but,' he says, 'we ar-re fortunately now
safe in Manila.' Ye see he doesn't keep up th' intherest to th' end. Th'
English pote does betther."
"'Las' night at eight o'clock,' he says, 'we found our slendher but
inthrepid ar-rmy surrounded be wan hundhred thousan' Boers,' he says.
'We attackted thim with gr-reat fury,' he says, 'pursuin' thim up th'
almost inaccessible mountain side an' capturin' eight guns which we
didn't want so we give thim back to thim with siveral iv our own,' he
says. 'Th' Irish rig'mints,' he says, 'th' Kerry Rifles, th' Land Leaguers'
Own, an' th' Dublin Pets, commanded be th' Pop'lar Irish sojer Gin'ral
Sir Ponsonby Tompkins wint into battle singin' their well-known
naytional anthem: "Mrs. Innery Awkins is a fust-class name!" Th'
Boers retreated,' he says, 'pursued be th' Davitt Terrors who cut their
way through th' fugitives with awful slaughter,' he says. 'They have
now,' he says, 'pinethrated as far us Pretoria,' he says, 'th' officers
arrivin' in first-class carredges an' th' men in thrucks,' he says, 'an' ar-re
camped in th' bettin' shed where they ar-re afforded ivry attintion be th'
vanquished inimy,' he says. 'As f'r us,' he says, 'we decided afther th'
victhry to light out f'r Ladysmith.' he says, 'Th' inimy had similar

intintions,' he says, 'but their skill has been vastly overrated,' he says.
'We bate thim,' he says 'we bate thim be thirty miles,' he says. That's
where we're sthrong, Hinnissy. We may get licked on th' battle field,
we may be climbin' threes in th' Ph'lippeens with arrows stickin' in us