Mr Dooleys Philosophy | Page 7

an' says they, 'This far shall we go,' says they, bein' a
rellijous people, 'an' divvle th' sthep further.' An' they killed off th'
irrelijous naygurs an' started in f'r to raise cattle. An' at night they'd set
outside iv their dorps, which, Hinnissy, is Dutch f'r two-story brick
house an' lot, an' sip their la-ager an' swap horses an' match texts fr'm
th' Bible f'r th' seegars, while th' childer played marbles with dimons as
big as th' end iv ye'er thumb.
"Well, th' English heerd they was goold be th' bucket in ivry cellar fr'm
Oopencoff to Doozledorf, which, Hinnissy, is like New York an' San
Francisco, bein' th' exthreme pints iv th' counthry, an' they come on in
gr-reat hordes, sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr'm Saxony, th' Einsteins an'
Heidlebacks an' Werners an' whin they took out goold enough so's they
needed raycreation they wanted to vote. 'An',' says Joe Chamberlain, he
says, 'Be hivins, they shall vote,' he says. 'Is it,' he says, 'possible that at
this stage iv th' world's progress' he says, 'an English gintleman shud be
denied,' he says, 'th' right to dhrop off a thrain annywhere in th'
civilized wurruld an' cast his impeeryal vote?' he says. 'Give thim th'
franchise,' he says, 'or be this an' be that!' he says, 'f'r we have put our
hand to th' plough, an' we will not turn back,' he says.
[Illustration]
"Kruger, that's th' main guy iv th' Dutch, a fine man, Hennissy, that
looks like Casey's goat an' has manny iv th' same peculyarities, he says,
'All r-right,' he says, 'I'll give thim th' franchise,' he says. 'Whin?' says
Joe Chamberlain. 'In me will,' says Kruger. 'Whin I die,' he says, 'an' I

hope to live to be a hundherd if I keep on smokin' befure breakfast,' he
says, 'I'll bequeath to me frinds, th' English, or such iv thim as was here
befure I come, th' inalienable an' sacred right to demand fr'm me
succissor th' privilege iv ilictin' an aldherman,' he says. 'But,' he says,
'in th' mane-time,' he says, 'we'll lave things the way they are,' he says.
'I'm old,' he say, 'an' not good-lookin',' he says, 'an' me clothes don't fit
an' they may be marks iv food on me vest,' he says, 'but I'm not more
thin half crazy an' annytime ye find me givin' annywan a chanst to vote
me into a job dhrivin' a mule an' put in an English prisidint iv this
ray-public,' he says, 'ye may conclude that ye'er Uncle Paul needs a
guarjeen!' he says.
"'Far be it fr'm me to suggist anny but peaceful measures,' says Sir
Alfred Milner, that's th' lad they have down in Africa, th' Injun agent,
'f'r th' English an' Dutch shud wurruk together like brothers f'r th'
removal iv th' naygur popylation,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'as a brother I
politely suggest to ye that if ye don't give us what we want we'll hand
ye a fraternal punch!' he says. 'F'r,' he says,' 'we have put our hand to th'
plough,' he says, 'an' we cannot turn back,' he says.
"'What Sir Alfred Milner says is thrue,' says Lord Lelborne, an' what th'
divvle he has to do about it I dinnaw. 'Th' situation is such,' he says, 'as
to be intol'rable to a silf-rayspictin' Englishman,' he says. 'What a
crime,' he says, 'that th' men who ar-re takin' most iv th' money out iv
th' counthry shud not be allowed to stick in anny iv th' votes,' he says.
'We have, as Shakespeare says, put our hand to th' plough,' he says, 'an'
we cannot turn back,' he says. 'I agree corjally with th' noble lord on th'
r-red lounge abaft me,' says Lord Salisbury. 'With the echoes of me
own noble sintimints on th' peace proclamation iv me good frind, th'
Czar iv Rooshia, still ringin' in me ears,' he says, 'it wud ill become me
to speak iv foorce,' he says. 'I wud on'y say that if th' Transvaal
raypublic wud rather have a Dum-dum bullet in its tum- tum thin grant
to Englishmen th' r-right to run th' govermint, thin th' Transvaal
rapublic'll have both!' he says. 'I will add,' he says, 'that we have put
our hand to th' plough an' we will not turn back,' he says.
"Well, sir, 'twas up to Kruger an' he knocked th' ashes out iv his pipe on

his vest an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'I wud like to do me best to
accomydate ye,' he says. 'Nawthin' short iv a severe attack iv sickness
wud plaze me so much as to see long lines iv Englishmen marchin' up
to th' polls an' depositin' their ballots again' me f'r prisidint,' he says.
'But,' he says, 'I'm an