More Toasts | Page 9

in the first balcony irritated his neighbors excessively by refusing to take the performance in the proper spirit. Instead of weeping, he laughed. While others were mopping their eyes and endeavoring to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merriment and he burst into inappropriate guffaws.
At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly.
"I d-don't know what brought y-you here," she sobbed, with streaming eyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-you don't like the p-play you might l-let other p-people enjoy it!"

ANCESTRY
HAMPTON--"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They were one of the first to come across."
RHODES--"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last to come across."--Judge.
"Pa, what are ancestors?"
"Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is another."
"Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?"
HE--"My ancestors came over in the Mayflower."
SHE--"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter now."

ANIMALS
It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo.
"What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben.
After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: "I think the kangaroo and the elephant should change tails."

ANTICIPATION
"Mr. Blinks," said she, "do you think that anticipation is greater than realization?"
"Well," replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and higher, but realization is longer and flatter."

ANTIQUES
"Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile? When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop."
"He still has. Only he moved in to a fashionable street and labeled the same stock 'Antiques.'"
CUSTOMER--"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I priced it last week and you said three hundred and fifty."
DEALER--"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone up so!"
AD WRITER--"When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale of antiques you have been planning?"
BOSS--"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The wormhole borers are on strike in Grand Rapids."

APARTMENTS
MR. LONGSUFFER--"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my flat."
JANITOR--"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing."
Necessarily So "I wonder if they take children in these apartments."
"They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown person."
"How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenette apartment?"
"Oh, they have no room for complaint!"--Judge.

APPEARANCES
A man's appearance indicates how his business is prospering, and his wife's appearance shows how much he is spending.
In civilized society external advantages make us more respected. A man with a good coat upon his back meets with a better reception than he who has a bad one. You may analyze this and say, what is there in it? But that will avail you nothing, for it is a part of a general system.--Johnson.
A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor by seeming rich.--Shenstone.
Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold. --Chesterfield.
In all professions every one affects a particular look and exterior, in order to appear what he wishes to be thought; so that it may be said the world's made up of appearances.--La Rochefoucauld.

APPETITE
"Josh," said Farmer Corntossel to his son, "I wish, if you don't mind, you'd eat off to yourself instead of with the summer boarders."
"Isn't my society good enough for them?"
"Your society is fine. But your appetite sets a terrible example."
TEACHER--"You remember the story of Daniel in the lion's den, Robbie?"
ROBBIE--"Yes, ma'am."
TEACHER--"What lesson do we learn from it?"
ROBBIE--"That we shouldn't eat everything we see."

APPLAUSE
"You don't attach much importance to the applause an orator receives."
"Not much," admitted Senator Sorghum. "There is bound to be applause. You can't expect an audience to sit still all evening and do absolutely nothing."
"The train pulled out before you had finished your speech."
"Yes," replied Senator Sorghum. "As I heard the shouts of the crowd fading in the distance I couldn't be sure whether they were applauding me or the engineer."
A slowness to applaud betrays a cold temper or an envious spirit.--Hannah More.
The silence that accepts merit as the most natural thing in the world, is the highest applause.--Emerson.

ARITHMETIC
"Waiter," he suggested mildly, "I want three eggs, and boil them four minutes."
But the cook, having only one in the place, boiled it twelve minutes.
Which proves the value of higher mathematics.
SCHOOL-TEACHER (to little boy)--"If a farmer raises 3,700 bushels of wheat and sells it for $2.50 per bushel, what will he get?"
LITTLE BOY--"An automobile."
"Now, then, Johnny," said his teacher, "if your father gave you seven cents and your mother gave you six and your uncle gave you four more, what would you have?"
Johnny wrinkled up his forehead and went into silence for the space of several minutes.
"Come, come," said the teacher impatiently. "Surely you can solve a simple little problem like that."
"It ain't a simple problem at all," replied the boy. "I can't make up my mind whether I'd have an ice-cream soda