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think Mabel is?"
SECOND SUFFRAGIST--"Well, I should say she had lost about seventeen votes."
A maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant when the census taker asked how old she was. "Did you see the girls next door," she asked--"The Hill twins?"
"Certainly," replied the census man.
"And did they tell you their age?"
"Yes."
"Well," she snapped, "I'm just as old as they are."
"Oh, very well," said the census man; and he wrote in his book, "Sarah Stokes, as old as the Hills."
I remember, I remember, The fir trees dark and high; I used to think their slender tops Were close against the sky; It was a childish ignorance, But now 'tis little joy To know I'm farther off from heaven Than when I was a boy.
PHYSICIAN--"Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, as it is merely an indication of advancing years."
MR. MEEK--"Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?"
"Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?"
"No, dear, I don't believe so. What makes you ask?"
"Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night that Mr. Jones raised his ante."

AGRICULTURE
"Crop failures?" asked the old timer.
"Yes, I've seen a few in my day. In 1854 the corn crop was almost nothing. We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate fourteen acres of corn at one meal!"--Life.
See also Farming; Laws.

ALARM CLOCKS
To-day I bought an alarm-clock, It has a very loud ring. I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner, For every time I hear it I have to get up.
A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality above everything else. The farmer told him that he must be at work every morning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get up in time, and the farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought an alarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. But one morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmer immediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that his alarm-clock was to blame.
Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined to find out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces, and discovered a dead cockroach among the works.
"Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn't run--the engineer bane daid."
"I heard something this morning that opened my eyes."
"So did I--an alarm clock."
"Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want is one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family."
"I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said the man behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind--the kind that will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl."
See also Philadelphia; Tardiness.

ALIBI
TEACHER--"What is an alibi?"
BRIGHT Boy--"Being somewhere where you ain't."

ALIMONY
Or Go to Jail "Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the Friend who was seeking free advice.
"Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married."

ALPHABET
MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)--"Now, dearie, what comes after 'g'?"
THE CHILD--"Whiz!"--Judge.

ALTERNATIVES
See Choices.

AMBITION
Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home. Second, to own a car to get away from his home.
Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makes concerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a means to happiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate it as an end.--Colton.
To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire; and this desire must shorten thy sleep.--Ovid.
The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love of glory.--Cicero.
When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress is boundless.--Seneca.

AMERICANS
A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York paper an advertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has lost his right leg is desirous of making the acquaintance of some one who has lost his left leg, in order to become associated with him in the purchase of boots and shoes, size 8." The very observant French editor very politely comments: "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but he never loses his head."
"That's the Goddess of Liberty," explained the New Yorker. "Fine attitude, eh?"
"Yes, and typically American," replied the Western visitor. "Hanging to a strap."
"William," asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you tell me who George Washington was?"
"Yes, ma'am," was the quick reply. "He was an American gen'ral."
"Quite right," replied the teacher. "And can you tell us what George Washington was remarkable for?"
"Yes, ma'am," replied the little boy. "He was remarkable because he was an American and told the truth."
A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this just like hell!" exclaimed an American. "Ah, the Americans," said a Frenchman standing by, "Where have they not been?"

AMUSEMENTS
It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry handkerchief in the house. But one man