More Fables | Page 6

and hide in the Corner.
[Illustration: BABY]

Then she would Fan herself rapidly and ask, "Aren't you well, Dear?"
Dear would force one of those Dying-Martyr Smiles and reply, "I am
quite well, Puss."
Then Puss would tell the Visitor that Baby was simply ruining his
Health through Devotion to his Employers, but they didn't seem to
Appreciate him at all.
After the Visitor went away there would be Language all over the Shop,
and the poor Hired Girl would lock the Door and write to the
Intelligence Office for a new Place.
Truly, it was a Happy Little Home, with the Reverse English.
She would Frisk his Wardrobe every day or two, looking for Evidence,
and he would compel her to Itemize her Accounts so that he might be
sure she was not giving Jewelry to the Iceman.
She would find a certain Passage in a Book, relating to Man's Cruelty
and Woman's Silent Suffering, and then she would Mark the Passage
and put it where he could Find it. Then when he Found it, he would
Mark it "Rot!" and put it where She could find it, and then she would
Weep and write Letters to Lady Authors telling them how Sad and
Lonely she was.
But all the Time they kept up an Affectionate Front before their
Acquaintances. They thought it better to avoid Scenes in Public; and
although each knew that the other was False and had ceased to Love,
they could not bring themselves to think of a Separation or a Divorce
on account of the Cat--their Cat! The Cat must never know.
However, one of his Business Associates was On. He was a Bachelor
and had lived at a European Hotel for Years, and he knew just how to
Arbitrate a Domestic Scrap. So he sat down one day and gave the
Husband a Good Talking-To. He said it was a Shame that such Nice
People should have their Differences when it was so easy to be Happy.
With that he handed over a Slew of Platitudes and Proverbs, such as:

"A Soft Answer Turneth Away Wrath," "It takes Two to Make a
Quarrel," "Think Twice before you Speak once," _et cetera._
[Illustration: SWEETIE]
The Gist of his heart-to-heart Talk was that any Husband could stop
Rough House Proceedings and shoot all kinds of Sweetness and Light
into the sassiest Mooch a Wife ever got on to herself, if only he would
refuse to Quarrel with her, receive her Flings without a Show of Wrath,
and get up every Morning ready to Plug for a Renaissance of their
Early Love.
Oh, but it was a Beauty Bright System! The European Hotel Bachelor
said it couldn't Lose.
The Husband decided to give it a Trial. That very Afternoon he met his
Wife, who had come out in her long Fawn-Colored Coat that fell
straight in the Back. She had her Upper Rigging set, and was trying to
Blanket everything on the Street. He flashed a Smiling Countenance,
and said he was glad to see her. Then, instead of asking her When she
left the House, and Where she had been since then, and How Soon she
expected to go Home again, he told her she was looking Unusually
Charming. She was Startled.
[Illustration: THE CAT]
He handed her a Ten and told her to have a Good Time. Now, usually,
when she wanted any Pin Money, she had to Pry it out of him.
On her way home her Mind was in a Tumult. Why had he given her the
Con Speech and all that Money? What was the Ulterior Motive? What
had he been Doing that he should attempt to Coddle her into a
Forgiving Mood? Did he Fear that she would get next to his Past? Huh?
He just couldn't Fool her. She knew Something was Doing. Else why
should he try to Fix her?
As soon as he came Home that Evening she Accused him and said she

knew All. Instead of Countering with the usual Gibe, he told her that
she was the Only Woman he had ever Loved and would she go to a
Show that Evening? She went, thinking that perhaps the Other Woman
might be there and she could detect some Signal passing between them.
While at the Theater he fanned her and explained the Plot, and was all
Attention. They rode Home in a Cab, because he said a Car wasn't good
enough for His Queen. After they were at Home he asked her to sing
the Song he had liked so much in the Old Days, "My Bonnie Lies Over
the Ocean." This was Conclusive Proof to her that the Hussy's Name
was Bonnie.
Next Morning before he started away he Kissed her, and it wasn't any
Make-Believe such