Miscellaneous Papers | Page 7

of the constitution. But this is not all. The
constitution dies hard, perhaps; but there is enough disease impending,
Mr. Hood, to kill it three times over.
Wild men will get into the House of Commons. Imagine that, sir!
Imagine Strong Wind in the House of Commons! It is not an easy
matter to get through a debate now; but I say, imagine Strong Wind,
speaking for the benefit of his constituents, upon the floor of the House
of Commons! or imagine (which is pregnant with more awful
consequences still) the ministry having an interpreter in the House of
Commons, to tell the country, in English, what it really means!
Why, sir, that in itself would be blowing the constitution out of the
mortar in St. James's Park, and leaving nothing of it to be seen but
smoke.
But this, I repeat it, is the state of things to which we are fast tending,
Mr. Hood; and I enclose my card for your private eye, that you may be
quite certain of it. What the condition of this country will be, when its
standing army is composed of dwarfs, with here and there a wild man
to throw its ranks into confusion, like the elephants employed in war in
former times, I leave you to imagine, sir. It may be objected by some
hopeful jackanapeses, that the number of impressments in the navy,
consequent upon the seizure of the Boy-Joneses, or remaining portion
of the population ambitious of Court Favour, will be in itself sufficient
to defend our Island from foreign invasion. But I tell those
jackanapeses, sir, that while I admit the wisdom of the Boy Jones
precedent, of kidnapping such youths after the expiration of their
several terms of imprisonment as vagabonds; hurrying them on board
ship; and packing them off to sea again whenever they venture to take
the air on shore; I deny the justice of the inference; inasmuch as it
appears to me, that the inquiring minds of those young outlaws must
naturally lead to their being hanged by the enemy as spies, early in their
career; and before they shall have been rated on the books of our fleet
as able seamen.
Such, Mr. Hood, sir, is the prospect before us! And unless you, and
some of your friends who have influence at Court, can get up a giant as
a forlorn hope, it is all over with this ill-fated land.
In reference to your own affairs, sir, you will take whatever course may

seem to you most prudent and advisable after this warning. It is not a
warning to be slighted: that I happen to know. I am informed by the
gentleman who favours this, that you have recently been making some
changes and improvements in your Magazine, and are, in point of fact,
starting afresh. If I be well informed, and this be really so, rely upon it
that you cannot start too small, sir. Come down to the duodecimo size
instantly, Mr. Hood. Take time by the forelock; and, reducing the
stature of your Magazine every month, bring it at last to the dimensions
of the little almanack no longer issued, I regret to say, by the ingenious
Mr. Schloss: which was invisible to the naked eye until examined
through a little eye- glass.
You project, I am told, the publication of a new novel, by yourself, in
the pages of your Magazine. A word in your ear. I am not a young man,
sir, and have had some experience. Don't put your own name on the
title-page; it would be suicide and madness. Treat with General Tom
Thumb, Mr. Hood, for the use of his name on any terms. If the gallant
general should decline to treat with you, get Mr. Barnum's name, which
is the next best in the market. And when, through this politic course,
you shall have received, in presents, a richly jewelled set of tablets
from Buckingham Palace, and a gold watch and appendages from
Marlborough House; and when those valuable trinkets shall be left
under a glass case at your publisher's for inspection by your friends and
the public in general;--then, sir, you will do me the justice of
remembering this communication.
It is unnecessary for me to add, after what I have observed in the course
of this letter, that I am not,--sir, ever your
CONSTANT READER.
TUESDAY, 23rd April 1844.
P.S.--Impress it upon your contributors that they cannot be too short;
and that if not dwarfish, they must be wild--or at all events not tame.

CRIME AND EDUCATION

I offer no apology for entreating the attention of the readers of The
Daily News to an effort which has been making for some three years
and a half, and which is making now,