Miscellaneous Papers | Page 6

an extent, is this custom of provoking
thirst, then quenching it with a stunting drink, observed, that brine pap
has already superseded the use of tops-and-bottoms; and wet-nurses,
previously free from any kind of reproach, have been seen to stagger in
the streets: owing, sir, to the quantity of gin introduced into their
systems, with a view to its gradual and natural conversion into the fluid
I have already mentioned.
Upon the best calculation I can make, this is going on, as I have said, in
the proportion of about two families and a fraction in four. In one more
family and a fraction out of the same number, efforts are being made to
reduce the children to a state of nature; and to inculcate, at a tender age,
the love of raw flesh, train oil, new rum, and the acquisition of scalps.
Wild and outlandish dances are also in vogue (you will have observed
the prevailing rage for the Polka); and savage cries and whoops are
much indulged in (as you may discover, if you doubt it, in the House of
Commons any night). Nay, some persons, Mr. Hood; and persons of
some figure and distinction too; have already succeeded in breeding
wild sons; who have been publicly shown in the Courts of Bankruptcy,
and in police- offices, and in other commodious exhibition-rooms, with
great effect, but who have not yet found favour at court; in consequence,
as I infer, of the impression made by Mr. Rankin's wild men being too
fresh and recent, to say nothing of Mr. Rankin's wild men being
foreigners.
I need not refer you, sir, to the late instance of the Ojibbeway Bride.
But I am credibly informed, that she is on the eve of retiring into a
savage fastness, where she may bring forth and educate a wild family,
who shall in course of time, by the dexterous use of the popularity they
are certain to acquire at Windsor and St. James's, divide with dwarfs
the principal offices of state, of patronage, and power, in the United
Kingdom.
Consider the deplorable consequences, Mr. Hood, which must result

from these proceedings, and the encouragement they receive in the
highest quarters.
The dwarf being the favourite, sir, it is certain that the public mind will
run in a great and eminent degree upon the production of dwarfs.
Perhaps the failures only will be brought up, wild. The imagination
goes a long way in these cases; and all that the imagination can do, will
be done, and is doing. You may convince yourself of this, by observing
the condition of those ladies who take particular notice of General Tom
Thumb at the Egyptian Hall, during his hours of performance.
The rapid increase of dwarfs, will be first felt in her Majesty's
recruiting department. The standard will, of necessity, be lowered; the
dwarfs will grow smaller and smaller; the vulgar expression "a man of
his inches" will become a figure of fact, instead of a figure of speech;
crack regiments, household-troops especially, will pick the smallest
men from all parts of the country; and in the two little porticoes at the
Horse Guards, two Tom Thumbs will be daily seen, doing duty,
mounted on a pair of Shetland ponies. Each of them will be relieved (as
Tom Thumb is at this moment, in the intervals of his performance) by a
wild man; and a British Grenadier will either go into a quart pot, or be
an Old Boy, or Blue Gull, or Flying Bull, or some other savage chief of
that nature.
I will not expatiate upon the number of dwarfs who will be found
representing Grecian statues in all parts of the metropolis; because I am
inclined to think that this will be a change for the better; and that the
engagement of two or three in Trafalgar Square will tend to the
improvement of the public taste.
The various genteel employments at Court being held by dwarfs, sir, it
will be necessary to alter, in some respects, the present regulations. It is
quite clear that not even General Tom Thumb himself could preserve a
becoming dignity on state occasions, if required to walk about with a
scaffolding-pole under his arm; therefore the gold and silver sticks at
present used, must be cut down into skewers of those precious metals; a
twig of the black rod will be quite as much as can be conveniently
preserved; the coral and bells of his Royal Highness the Prince of
Wales, will be used in lieu of the mace at present in existence; and that
bauble (as Oliver Cromwell called it, Mr. Hood), its value being first
calculated by Mr. Finlayson, the government actuary, will be placed to

the credit of the National Debt.
All this, sir, will be the death