Mens Wives | Page 5

that they met on all other nights in the week when inclined for
festivity: and indeed some of them could not come on Saturdays in the
summer having elegant villas in the suburbs, where they passed the
six-and-thirty hours of recreation that are happily to be found at the end
of every week.
There was Mr. Balls, the great grocer of South Audley Street, a warm
man, who, they say, had his twenty thousand pounds; Jack Snaffle, of
the mews hard by, a capital fellow for a song; Clinker, the ironmonger:
all married gentlemen, and in the best line of business; Tressle, the
undertaker, etc. No liveries were admitted into the room, as may be
imagined, but one or two select butlers and major-domos joined the
circle; for the persons composing it knew very well how important it
was to be on good terms with these gentlemen and many a time my
lord's account would never have been paid, and my lady's large order
never have been given, but for the conversation which took place at the
"Bootjack," and the friendly intercourse subsisting between all the
members of the society.
The tiptop men of the society were two bachelors, and two as
fashionable tradesmen as any in the town: Mr. Woolsey, from Stultz's,
of the famous house of Linsey, Woolsey and Co. of Conduit Street,
Tailors; and Mr. Eglantine, the celebrated perruquier and perfumer of
Bond Street, whose soaps, razors, and patent ventilating scalps are
know throughout Europe. Linsey, the senior partner of the tailors' firm
had his handsome mansion in Regent's Park, drove his buggy, and did

little more than lend his name to the house. Woolsey lived in it, was the
working man of the firm, and it was said that his cut was as
magnificent as that of any man in the profession. Woolsey and
Eglantine were rivals in many ways--rivals in fashion, rivals in wit, and,
above all, rivals for the hand of an amiable young lady whom we have
already mentioned, the dark-eyed songstress Morgiana Crump. They
were both desperately in love with her, that was the truth; and each, in
the absence of the other, abused his rival heartily. Of the hairdresser
Woolsey said, that as for Eglantine being his real name, it was all his
(Mr. Woolsey's) eye; that he was in the hands of the Jews, and his stock
and grand shop eaten up by usury. And with regard to Woolsey,
Eglantine remarked, that his pretence of being descended from the
Cardinal was all nonsense; that he was a partner, certainly, in the firm,
but had only a sixteenth share; and that the firm could never get their
moneys in, and had an immense number of bad debts in their books. As
is usual, there was a great deal of truth and a great deal of malice in
these tales; however, the gentlemen were, take them all in all, in a very
fashionable way of business, and had their claims to Miss Morgiana's
hand backed by the parents. Mr. Crump was a partisan of the tailor;
while Mrs. C. was a strong advocate for the claims of the enticing
perfumer.
Now, it was a curious fact, that these two gentlemen were each in need
of the other's services--Woolsey being afflicted with premature
baldness, or some other necessity for a wig still more fatal--Eglantine
being a very fat man, who required much art to make his figure at all
decent. He wore a brown frock-coat and frogs, and attempted by all
sorts of contrivances to hide his obesity; but Woolsey's remark, that,
dress as he would, he would always look like a snob, and that there was
only one man in England who could make a gentleman of him, went to
the perfumer's soul; and if there was one thing on earth he longed for
(not including the hand of Miss Crump) it was to have a coat from
Linsey's, in which costume he was sure that Morgiana would not resist
him.
If Eglantine was uneasy about the coat, on the other hand he attacked
Woolsey atrociously on the score of his wig; for though the latter went
to the best makers, he never could get a peruke to sit naturally upon
him and the unhappy epithet of Mr. Wiggins, applied to him on one

occasion by the barber, stuck to him ever after in the club, and made
him writhe when it was uttered. Each man would have quitted the
"Kidneys" in disgust long since, but for the other--for each had an
attraction in the place, and dared not leave the field in possession of his
rival.
To do Miss Morgiana justice, it must be said, that she did not
encourage one more than another; but as far as accepting
eau-de-Cologne and hair-combs from