Marie Bashkirtseff | Page 7

arranging the days and hours of tutors.
With winter will come society, with society, gaiety. It will not be Nice,

but a little Paris. And the Races! Nice has its good side. All the same,
the six or seven months which must be spent there seem like a sea I
must cross without turning my eyes from the light-house which guides
me. I do not expect to approach, no, I only hope to see this land, and
the sole thing which gives me resolution and strength to live until next
year. Afterward! Really, I know nothing about it! But I hope, I believe
in God, in His divine goodness, that is why I don't lose courage.
Whoever lives under His protection will find repose in the mercy of the
Omnipotent One. He will cover thee with His wings. Under their
shelter thou wilt be in safety. His truth will be thy shield, thou wilt fear
neither the arrows that fly by night; nor the pestilence that wastes by
day! I cannot express how deeply I am moved and how grateful I am
for God's goodness toward me.
September 12th, 1873.
This morning I made a scene with Mamma and my aunt. I could stand
it no longer, the bottle had to be opened, there was too much gas in it. I
wept. It lasted two hours and a half.
I asked forgiveness. Just at that moment some one said that a house on
the Rue de France was burning. I ran to see it. We were all at the
windows. The carriages were brought from the stables, women came
out carrying children. The building was not yet in flames. There was a
courtyard surrounded by four sheds filled with hay. The fire flared high,
but the people in Nice are always the same. They do nothing to subdue
it, only stand at a distance to enjoy the spectacle.
Oh! if it were in Russia, it would have been extinguished long ago. Our
fire engines are terrible when they are heard a league away, every
quarter has one. The firemen in golden helmets and lots of little bells.
(The noise the Duc de H----'s carriage makes coming from a distance
reminds me of the fire engines.)
At last, after half an hour, a cart arrived, dragged by ten men, what a
mere nothing! And four soldiers with guns.
No doubt they were going to extinguish the fire with them! But it was
out before they came.
So I return to what I was saying: A complete reform in my costume and
character, I will become kind, pleasant, gentle. I will try to be the good
genius of the house.
I want to make myself loved and esteemed by every one, from the

meanest beggar to the duke and king. This is the promise I make to
God. Since I desire so great a happiness, I must deserve it. That is the
way I hope to obtain it.
Therefore I make a solemn vow to God that I will do what I say. If I
fail once in my oath, I shall lose everything. I will address myself to the
Holy Virgin and pray her, with Her Son, to guide and protect me.
I rose at five o'clock to-day. I have worked well, I am satisfied with
myself. How happy we are when we are content with ourselves! All the
rest matters little; we find everything, satisfactory, we are happy. My
happiness depends upon myself. I have only to study well.
September 15th, 1873.
I spoke Italian to-day for the first time. Poor M. (my professor) almost
fell in a faint, or threw himself out of the window. I can say that I speak
English, French, Italian, and am learning German and Latin. I am
studying seriously. Day before yesterday I took my first lesson in
physics. Oh, how well pleased with myself I am!
I have received the Derby. I found a number of horses entered by the
Duc de H----. The races at Baden! How I should like to be there.
Nothing prevents me, but I will not go. I must study. And with a heavy
heart I read of the horse races. I calm myself with great difficulty and
comfort myself by saying: "Let us study; our turn will come, if it is
God's will."
I have read this journal. My eyes are glittering, my hands are frozen.
There is no doubt of it. I adore, I adore--horses. They are my life, my
soul, my happiness. By chance I shook my whip. There was the same
hissing sound as at the races. I jumped. I no longer know where I am.
Come; it mustn't be talked about.
September 20th.
Only at five o'clock I am free, and I am going to