Marie Bashkirtseff | Page 6

climate is delicious, not like Nice, which is burning hot
in summer.
At last! We are leaving! We are in the train. There is no time to collect
one's thoughts. We pass cities, cottages, huts, and in each dwelling
people are talking, loving, quarrelling, bestirring themselves. Every
human being whom we see, smaller than a fly, has his joys and sorrows.
We are talking so much of Baden. We shall pass through it to-morrow.
I should like to go there.
At five o'clock in the morning I was waked. We were approaching
Paris. I dressed quickly, but there were fifty minutes to spare. We went
to the Grand Hotel.
Paris is comical in the morning. Nothing to be seen except butchers,
pastry cooks, boot-makers, restaurant keepers, opening and cleaning
their shops.
Toward noon, I was not only settled, but ready to go out. In Paris I am
at home, everything interests me; instead of being lazy, I am in too
great a hurry. I should like not only to walk, but to fly. I wanted to
make myself believe that there was society in Vienna, but that is
impossible. The hotel is full of a very good sort of English people. We
are going to Ferry's. I took the address in Vienna. We shall buy two
pairs of boots, one black, the other yellow.
We went on foot. I ordered some gloves. I dress myself. My allowance
is 2,500 francs a year. I received 1,000 francs. Then we took a cab and
went to Laferrière's. I ordered a tête-de-nègre costume (three hundred
francs).
"Here comes the Duc de H----. Don't jump out of the carriage." My
aunt looked at me sternly. This evening I asked myself if I really did
love the Duc, or if it was imagination. I have thought of him so much
that I fancy things which do not exist--I might marry somebody else. I
imagine myself the wife of another. He speaks to me. Oh! no, no! I
should die of horror! All other men disgust me. In the street, at the
theatre, I can endure them, but to imagine that a man may kiss my hand
drives me wild!
I don't express myself well, I never know how to explain myself, but I
understand my own feelings.

To-night we are going to the theatre. This is Paris! I can't believe that I
am here. This is the city from which all the books are taken. All the
books are about Paris, its salons, its theatres, it is the perfection of
everything.
At last I have found what I have desired without knowing it. To live is
Paris--Paris means to live!
I was tormenting myself because I did not know what I wanted. Now I
see it before me. I know what I want. To move from Nice to Paris. To
have an apartment, furnish it, have horses as we do in Nice. To go into
society through the Russian ambassador. That, that is what I want.
How happy we are when we know what we want! But an idea has come
to me--I believe I am ugly. It is frightful!
To-day is the first time we have seen the Bois, the Jardin
d'Acclimatation, and the Trocadéro, from which we had a view of all
Paris. Really, I have never in my life beheld anything so beautiful as
the Bois de Boulogne. It is not a wild beauty, but it is elegant,
sumptuous.
Since Toulon, I have been the prey of a great sorrow. All places are
indifferent to me, except Paris, which I adore, and Nice.
At last! We have reached this spot. Princess G----and W---- met us.
Mamma was not there. We asked for her and were told that she was a
little indisposed. The truth is that she fell out of bed and hurt her leg.
We arrived. I made her sit in the dining-room. An arrival is always
confused. People talk and answer, all speaking at once.
During my absence a little negro boy was engaged, who will go out
with the carriage. I cannot look through the window. I can't bear this
pale foliage, this red earth, this heavy atmosphere! So Mamma said that
we will stay in Paris! Heaven be praised!
We were summoned to dinner, but first I arranged my room. Then I
went back to the drawing-room, where Mamma was lying. We talked
and laughed, I told what I had seen, in short, we discussed everything. I
fear Mamma will be seriously ill. I shall pray to God for her. I am glad
to be back in my chamber, it is pretty. To-morrow I mean to have my
bed all in white. That will be lovely.
I regard Nice as an exile. I intend to occupy myself specially in