Manners and Social Usages | Page 2

not ignore them, the fresh young farmer
from the countryside feels and recognizes their importance. If we are to
live together in unity we must make society a pleasant thing, we must
obey certain formal rules, and these rules must conform to the fashion

of the period.
And it is in no way derogatory to a new country like our own if on
some minor points of etiquette we presume to differ from the older
world. We must fit our garments to the climate, our manners to our
fortunes and to our daily lives. There are, however, faults and
inelegancies of which foreigners accuse us which we may do well to
consider. One of these is the greater freedom allowed in the manners of
our young women a freedom which, as our New World fills up with
people of foreign birth, cannot but lead to social disturbances. Other
national faults, which English writers and critics kindly point out, are
our bumptiousness, our spread- eagleism, and our too great familiarity
and lack of dignity, etc.
Instead of growing angry over these criticisms, perhaps we might as
well look into the matter dispassionately, and see if we cannot turn the
advice in some degree to our advantage. We can, however, decide for
ourselves on certain points of etiquette which we borrow from nobody;
they are a part of our great nation, of our republican institutions, and of
that continental hospitality which gives a home to the Russian, the
German, the Frenchman, the Irishman, man, and the "heathen Chinee."
A somewhat wide and elastic code, as boundless as the prairies, can
alone meet the needs of these different citizens. The old traditions of
stately manners, so common to the Washington and Jefferson days,
have almost died out here, as similar manners have died out all over the
world. The war of 1861 swept away what little was left of that once
important American fact--a grandfather. We began all over again; and
now there comes up from this newer world a flood of questions: How
shall we manage all this? How shall we use a fork? When wear a
dress-coat? How and when and on whom shall we leave our cards?
How long and for whom shall we wear mourning? What is the etiquette
of a wedding? How shall we give a dinner-party? The young
housekeeper of Kansas writes as to the manners she shall teach to her
children; the miner's wife, having become rich, asks how she shall
arrange her house, call on her neighbors, write her letters? Many an
anxious girl writes as to the propriety of "driving out with a
gentleman," etc. In fact, there is one great universal question, What is
the etiquette of good society?
Not a few people have tried to answer these questions, and have broken

down in the attempt. Many have made valuable manuals, as far as they
went; but writers on etiquette commonly fail, for one or two different
reasons. Many attempt to write who know nothing of good society by
experience, and their books are full of ludicrous errors. Others have had
the disadvantage of knowing too much, of ignoring the beginning of
things, of supposing that the person who reads will take much for
granted. For a person who has an intuitive knowledge of etiquette, who
has been brought up from his mother's knee in the best society, has
always known what to do, how to dress, to whom to bow, to write in
the simplest way about etiquette would be impossible; he would never
know how little the reader, to whose edification he was addressing
himself, knew of the matter.
If, however, an anxious inquirer should write and ask if "mashed potato
must be eaten with a knife or a fork," or if "napkins and finger bowls
can be used at breakfast," those questions he can answer.
It is with an effort to answer thousands of these questions, written in
good faith to Harper's Bazar, that this book is undertaken. The
simplicity, the directness, and the evident desire "to improve," which
characterize these anonymous letters, are all much to be commended.
Many people have found themselves suddenly conquerors of material
wealth, the most successful colonists in the world, the heirs of a great
inheritance, the builders of a new empire. There is a true refinement
manifested in their questions. Not only do men and women like to
behave properly themselves, but all desire to know what is the best
school of manners, that they may educate their children therein. Such
minds are the best conservators of law and order. It is not a
communistic spirit that asks, "How can I do this thing in a better way?"
It is that wise and liberal conservatism which includes reverence for
law, respect for age, belief in