Lyra Frivola | Page 6

thee!
Yet oh! though different forms of hat?May wreathe my manly brow,?No Straw shall e'er (be sure of that)?Be half so dear as thou.?Hang then upon thy native rack?As varying modes compel,?Till next year's fashions bring thee back,?My Chimneypot, farewell!
THE 1713 AGAINST NEWNHAM
[This Fragment will be found to contain, in a concentrated form, all the constituent parts of Greek Tragedy. It has an Anagnorisis, because its subject is the Recognition of Women. It also contains _at least one_ Peripeteia: and the action has been strictly confined, chiefly by the Editor of the Magazine, within one revolution of the sun.]
SCENE: Interior of a Ladies' College
LEADER OF THE CHORUS OF LADIES
Sisters, from far upon my senses steals?A sound of crackers and of Catherine wheels,?By which I know the Senate in debate?Decides our future and the country's fate:?And lo! a herald from the city's stir?I see arrive--the usual Messenger.
Enter a Messenger
M. O maiden guardians of this sacred shrine--
Ch. Observe the rules: you've had your single line.
M. Say, is the Lady Principal at home?
Ch. Thou speak'st, as one for information come.
M. I ask the question, for I wish to know.
Ch. By shrewd conjecture one might guess 'twas so.
M. Go, tell your Lady I would speak with her.
Ch. About what thing? what quest dost thou prefer?
M. I bear a tale I hardly dare to tell.
Ch. Why vex her ears, when ours will do as well?
M. Hear then the facts which with self-seeing eyes
I witnessed, not receiving from another.?For when I came within those doors august?Where sat the Boule, doubting if to grant?The boon of honour which the women ask,?Or not: and like some Thracian Hellespont?Tides of opinion flowed in different ways,?Until obeying some divine decree?(This is a Nominative Absolute)?The hollow-bellied circle of a hat?Received their votes (and now, but not till now,?Observe my true apodosis begin)--?Arithmetic, supreme of sciences,?Proclaimed that persons to the number of?One thousand seven hundred and thirteen?Voted Non-Placet (or, It does not please),?While thrice two hundred, also sixty-two,?Voted for Placet on the other side;?Who, being worsted, come as suppliants?With boughs and fillets and the rest complete,?Winging the booted oarage of their feet?Within your gates: the obscurantist rout?Pursue them here with threats, and swear they'll drag them out! Such is my tale: its truth should you deny,?I simply answer, that you tell a lie.
CHORUS
Woe! Woe! Woe! Woe! What shall we do and where shall we go? Dublin or Durham, Heidelberg, Bonn,?All to escape the recalcitrant don??In what peaceful shade reclined?Shall the cultured female mind?E'er remunerated be?By a Bachelor's Degree??Pheu, pheu! [1] Whence, O whence (here the
antistrophe ought to commence),?Whence shall we the privilege seek?Due to our knowledge of Latin and Greek??Shall we tear our waving locks??Shall we rend our Sunday frocks??No, 'tis plain that nothing can?Melt the so-called heart of man.?While with loud triumphant pealings?Ring his cries of horrid joy,?Let us vent our outraged feelings?In a wild otototoi-- [2]?Justifiable impatience, when the shafts of fate annoy,?Makes one utter exclamations such as ototototoi! [2]
Enter PROFESSOR PLACET
I ask you, ye intolerable creatures,?Why raise this wholly execrable din,?O objects of dislike to the discreet??Six hundred persons, also sixty-two?(Almost the very number of the Beast)?Have voted for you, and defend your gates.?Moreover, mark my subtle argument:--?When gates are locked no person can get in?Without unlocking them: your gates are locked,?And I have got the key: so that, unless?I ope the gates, the foe cannot get in.?This statement is Pure Reason: or, if this?Is not Pure Reason, _I_ don't know what is.
CHORUS
Holy Reason! sacred Nous! [3]?Thou that hast for ever parted?From the Cambridge Senate House,?Make, O make us valiant hearted!?Wisdom, still residing here,?Calm our mind and chase our fear?While with wild discordant clamour?On our College gate they hammer!
[Confused Noise without.]
Hemich. a. [4] Horrid things! I really wonder
how they ever dared to come,
When they know to base Non-Placets
that we're always Not At Home.
Hemich. B. [4] 'Tis a national dishonour:
'tis the century's disgrace.
Hemich. a. If the College rules allowed it,
_I_ should like to scratch their face.
Hemich. B. Never mind! a time is coming
when despite of all their Dons
We will sack the hall of Jesus,
and enjoy the wealth of John's!
Hemich. a. Vengeance! let us