Lucky Pehr | Page 8

badly threshed that you could feel the pease in your knee-joints? Oh,

yes, you have-- therefore enjoy yourself! [Wants to sit at table.]
BUTLER. [With staff in hand.] Pardon, Your Grace! The table is not
laid.
PEHR. Isn't it?
BUTLER. In a couple of hours the roasts will be ready.
PEHR. I don't want any roasts.
BUTLER. [Intercepts Pehr with staff.] It can never be that one sits
down at an unlaid table!
PEHR. Who forbids me in my own house?
BUTLER. Etiquette, Your Grace, does not under any circumstances
permit it.
PEHR. Etiquette! What kind of torment is that?
BUTLER. Your Grace, listen to an old man's word! He who in Your
Grace's position violates the rules of etiquette is lost.
PEHR. [Frightened.] What a harsh gentleman! I shall have to submit,
although I'm beastly hungry--But, wait! Is there nothing that will move
that gentleman? I have heard that gold--[Goes over to chest and takes
out a handful of gold coins.] Would not--
BUTLER. Your Grace! I stand above the servants; above me stands
Your Grace, but above us all stands--Conventionality. Its laws are
perpetual, for they have their foundation both in common sense and in
what we call historical hypotheses.
PEHR. And the historical hypotheses--cannot they be reached with
gold?
BUTLER. They are non-corruptible--in this instance!

PEHR. What's the good of all my wealth if I cannot eat my fill when
I'm hungry? I am worse off than the poorest bellringer.
[Butler stations himself at the table, and stands like a statue.]
[Enter Tax Assessor and assistants, who walk about and take an
inventory.]
PEHR. Look--here's a new torture! With what shall you gentlemen
pester an innocent victim?
TAX ASSESSOR. Taxation, Your Grace.
PEHR. Indeed! So it is you who regulate people's worth. How high is a
human being estimated these days?
TAX ASSESSOR. Two per hundred, Your Grace;--all depends on what
one is good for.
PEHR. Tell me, can't I withdraw while the gentlemen figure up? for I
am both hungry and thirsty.
TAX ASSESSOR. Impossible! It must be done in the owner's presence.
PEHR. O Lord, what trials! But I may be allowed to sit down at least?
TAX ASSESSOR. As you please! [To assistants.] Two dozen plates
with beveled edges--write! Six wine-coolers, with handles of finer
metal--write! One sugar bowl, with sifting spoon, and two smaller
ditto--write! Two dozen knives, with handles of mother-of-pearl--
brand new--write!
PEHR. See if I don't go crazy!
TAX ASSESSOR. Dining table of oak, with double leaves--write! Six
walnut chairs. [Enter Lawyer.]
PEHR. One more!

LAWYER. Your Grace is summoned to the City Court to have tax No.
2867 legalized before twelve o'clock this day.
PEHR. The Court? Litigation? I never institute proceedings, sir!
LAWYER. It's not a question of litigation--only to verify facts.
PEHR. I don't wish to verify facts.
LAWYER. But to put the case--
PEHR. I don't want to put the case--I want my dinner! Butler, can't I
take a sandwich? [Butler raises staff threateningly; enter petty
constable.]
PEHR. Are there still more?
PETTY CONSTABLE. Your Grace is summoned to the Bar tomorrow
at eleven o'clock for neglecting to keep the street clean.
PEHR. Must I keep the street clean--I, who am such a rich man! What,
then, must I not do?
PETTY CONSTABLE. It is the duty of every householder to keep
clean in front of his own house.
PEHR. Etiquette, taxation, put the case, keep yard and street clean,
hunger and thirst--is that the rich man's lot! Then I would rather be a
street sweeper and own myself. And I'm not allowed to turn these
gentlemen out, who crowd into my room, and I cannot go my way
when I choose!
[Enter petitioner, followed by a servant carrying two baskets of papers.]
PEHR. Mr. Lawyer and Mr. Constable, can't the law protect an
unfortunate rich man so that he may have peace in his home, or is the
law only for the poor?
LAWYER. Your Grace can no longer be regarded as an individual; for

when one through riches has risen to the community's heights, one
belongs to the whole.
PEHR. And so one is placed outside the law.
LAWYER. [Smiles; glances about.] Above the law, Your Grace!
PEHR. Ha--! What does this last friend want! Are there any presents in
those baskets?
PETITIONER. Your Honorable Grace is appointed Church Warden--
PEHR. [Interrupts.] Called--
PETITIONER. Called to vote day after to-morrow.
PEHR. Eleven o'clock--
PETITIONER. Eleven o'clock-to be present at the election of the new
Rector. But before that, Your Grace must take part in the preliminaries
which are here inclosed, and which are for the purpose of showing the
incompetence of the opposing candidate for the office.
PEHR. Must I read through two baskets full of papers between now
and day after to-morrow? No, no!
PETITIONER. Perhaps Your