La Tontine | Page 6

is, an older man is better.
Trippet A thousand times better. I wish someone would give me the choice between an old man and a young musketeer. It wouldn't take me long to make up my mind, let me tell you.
Peacock In fact, an old boy tends to be very indulgent towards a young wife.
Trippet Oh, yes. In place of a young man who is indulgent only towards his friends. An old husband leaves us his wealth by dying and a young one doesn't die until he's gobbled up our dowry.
Peacock Sometimes that girl is pretty smart. Now, Harriet, I'm delighted you no longer dislike Mr. Flem--
Harriet (under her breath) Ah, I prefer death.
Peacock What did she say under her breath about dying?
Trippet She says she'd rather die than lose him. She's crazy about him.
Peacock Well, that's a passion that's arrived rather suddenly.
Trippet And a proper one, too.
Peacock But, it's a sort of madness, Trippet.
Trippet Assuredly. Now, if you were to forbid her to love him, she would love him even more.
Peacock Who are these people coming here?
(Enter Jeremy and Worthy.)
Trippet They seem to be some kind of soldiers.
Jeremy (disguised as a colonel) I am looking for Dr. Peacock. They say he looks rather large and bloated. Necessarily, it must be you.
Peacock I am Dr. Peacock.
Jeremy Ah, sir, let me embrace you. In the fashionable world you are often spoken of. They say you are a clever doctor and your prescriptions are written in elegant Latin.
Peacock Sir!
Jeremy Ah, ha! Who are these lovely ladies?
Peacock This is my daughter and this is her maid.
Jeremy To show you how much honor I feel for you and everything that belongs to you, I insist on embracing them, too.
Harriet Just a minute, Mr. Officer.
Trippet Do you take us to be barmaids?
Peacock (low) These fellows are very impertinent.
Jeremy Have you more than one daughter?
Peacock No, sir.
Jeremy So much the worse. When they are made like these they can be easily married off.
Peacock Well, God willing, I'm just about to marry her to an apothecary friend of mine.
Jeremy Very good idea. Your patients certainly won't have to wait for enemas and purges.
Peacock They will lack nothing.
Jeremy The more I look at your daughter, the more I find she looks like you.
Peacock You're joking!
Jeremy Word of a soldier! She's you in miniature. Your eyes are the same except for the coloring. Her little nose becomes large like yours: oval face, square face; really the resemblances are astonishing in certain families.
Peacock Come, sir, if you will. What are you getting at?
Jeremy That maid of yours is making eyes at me. Apparently, I was made to be the sport of a wench. They always tease me.
Peacock Sir, for God's sake, tell me who you are.
Jeremy I am a colonel and you see me here with my major. I come to consult you about an illness.
Harriet Goodbye, Mr. Colonel.
Jeremy Why are you running off, pretty ladies?
Trippet We don't want to hear the conversation of an officer who consults a doctor.
(Exit Trippet and Harriet.)
Jeremy I want to tell you, sir--no boasting--I'm well thought of by the combat troops.
Peacock I'm sure of it, and I congratulate you, sir.
Jeremy When there's something particularly tough to do, they always call for me. Ask my major.
Worthy It's true.
Peacock I believe it.
Jeremy So, you see, I have all the honor and reputation I could wish. Unfortunately, my body isn't made of iron.
Peacock I see.
Jeremy I came down with asthma in Germany while I was pursuing the enemy.
Peacock The cause of your illness is worthy of--
Jeremy Here's how it happened to me. I reconnoitred an enemy scouting party. I attacked them; they resisted. I redoubled my efforts. They regrouped. Then, they fled. I followed them, but then I was obliged to give up the pursuit. I couldn't get my breath. They said I have swollen glands. So, since then, I've been asthmatic.
Peacock (aside) He's consulting me for his own amusement--but I will mock him in his turn. (aloud) You wish a remedy that will soothe you?
Jeremy Exactly!
Peacock I have an infallible remedy. But, I have a scruple about curing you.
Jeremy What's that?
Peacock I think you should keep your asthma and seek a disability pension.
Jeremy I like your idea.
(Enter Dudley from the house and Flem after him.)
Dudley Murder! Help! Help! Fire!
Peacock Why all this noise?
Jeremy What do I see? There's a face I've seen before. Yes, my word, it really is! It's Rosebud. Major, don't you recognize him?
Worthy It's Rosebud all right. The deserter.
Dudley Oh, yes, sir, it's me. I beg for pardon.
Jeremy Coward! Fortune has delivered you to justice.
Dudley Oh, Colonel, have pity on me.
Jeremy Say, what! God! Why did you disappear without leave?
Dudley The Captain was always beating me and there was nothing I could do!
Jeremy For God's sake, abandon the battlefield because you were beaten? To