Knocking the Neighbors | Page 9

He loved to throw open the Muffler
and hit the High Spots, never stopping until the Wheels became
clogged up with Live Stock and Poultry.
One day while he was breezing along the Pike at the easy Clip usually
maintained by the Twentieth Century Limited, he heard behind him a
low and sullen Roar, as of the Wind playing through 1,000 Pine Trees,
and something Gray and about as long-waisted as a Torpedo Boat shot
past him and went over the Hill. He fell forward on the Wheel and
began to Weep.
He had been Shown Up.
He knew that he could never look his Fellow-Man in the Eye until he
traded in and got a Six with enough Power to jump Small Streams and
Climb Trees.

At last he appeared on the Road with the Real Thing. It had Armor
Plate all over it and a 10-foot Cow Catcher in front, and the Driver had
to sit on the Small of his Back and wear a Helmet.
The Morning he ran it out of the Garage a Prominent Insurance
Company foreclosed on the Farm, but he was in a cheery Mood, for he
knew he could cut Rings around any other Balloon in the County.
One Morning he went around a Curve on Two Wheels and tried to
dislodge a New Bridge turned out by the Steel Trust and imbedded in
solid Concrete.
A Neighbor went to the Widow and said: "I have Sad News for you.
Your Husband has gone to his Reward."
"When did he start?" asked the Bereaved Woman.
"At Ten Thirty-Eight," was the Reply.
"What Time is it Now?"
"It lacks Four Minutes of being Eleven o'Clock."
"Well," she remarked, in a Relieved Tone, "He must be There by this
Time, unless he has had a Puncture."
MORAL: The Cocaine and Morphine Habits can be Cured.
COGNIZANT OF OUR SHORTCOMINGS
On the deck of a Trans-Atlantic Skiff, a certain Old Traveler, who
owed allegiance to George and Mary, reclined on his Cervical
Vertebrae with a Plaid Shawl across him and roasted Our Native Land.
He told the American in the next Steamer Chair that he had been unable
to get his Tea at the usual Hour, and out in the place called Minnie-
Apples the stupid Waiter never had heard of Bloaters for Breakfast.
Furthermore, he had not seen his Boots again after placing them outside
the Door in Chicago.

The Houses were overheated and the Railway Carriages were not like
those at Home, and the Reporters were Forward Chaps, and Ice should
not be added with the Soda, because it was not being Done.
He was jolly glad to escape from the Wretched Hole and get back to his
own Lodgings, where he could go into Cold Storage and have a Joint of
Mutton and Brussels Sprouts as often as desired.
The Yankee cringed under the Attack and then fully agreed with the
Son of amphibious Albion. He said we were a new and crude People
who did not know how to wear Evening Clothes or eat Stilton Cheese,
and our Politicians were corrupt, and Murderers went unpunished,
while the Average Citizen was a dyspeptic Skate afflicted with Moral
Strabismus.
Then he retired to his State Room to weep over the Situation, and the
British Subject said: "The American is a Poltroon, for he will not
defend his own Hearth and Fireside."
A Cook's Tourist from Emporia, Kansas, dropped into the Vacant Chair.
When the Delegate from The Rookery, Wormwood Scrubs, Islington S.
E., resumed his scorching Arraignment of the U. S. A., he got an awful
Rise out of the Boy from the Corn Belt.
The Emporia Man said there were more Bath Tubs to the Square Mile
out in his Burg than you could find in the West End of London, and
more Paupers and Beggars in one Square Mile of the East End of
London than you could find in the whole State of Kansas. He said there
were fewer Murders in England because good Opportunities were being
overlooked.
He said he could Tip any one in England except, possibly, the
Archbishop of Canterbury.
It was his unbiased Opinion that London consisted of a vast swarm of
melancholy Members of the Middle and Lower Classes of the Animal
Kingdom who ate Sponge Cake with Clinkers in it, drank Tea, smoked
Pipes and rode by Bus, and thought they were Living.

Standing beneath the rippling folds of Old Glory, the proud Citizen of
the Great Republic declared that we could wallop Great Britain at any
Game from Polo up to Prize-Fighting and if we cut down on the Food
Supplies the whole blamed Runt of an undersized Island would starve
to death in a Week.
With quivering Nostrils, he heaped Scorn and Contumely upon any