Knocking the Neighbors | Page 8

in a quilted Dressing Gown and a pair of Soft
Slippers and devote the remainder of his Life to a grand clean-up of the
Works of Arnold Bennett.
He selected a well-seasoned Senorita who was still young enough to
show to your Men Friends but old enough to cut out all the prevalent
Mushgush about the Irish Drama and Norwegian Art and Buddhism
and the true Symbolism of Russian Dancing.
Best of all, she had a spotless Reputation, holding herself down to one
Bronx at a Time and always going behind a Screen to do her Inhaling.
They were Married according to the new Ceremonies devised by the
Ringling Brothers. As they rode away to their Future Home, the old
Stager leaned back in the Limousine and said: "At last the Bird has Lit.
I am going to put on the Simple Life for an Indefinite Run. I have
played the Hoop-La Game to a Standstill, so it is me for a Haven of
Rest."
As soon as they were safely in their own Apartments, the beautiful
Bride began to do Flip Flops and screech for Joy.
"At last I have a License to cut loose!" she exclaimed. "For years I have
hankered and honed to be Dead Game and back Excitement right off
the Cards, but every time I pulled a Caper the stern-faced Mater would
be at Elbow, saying: 'Nix on the Acrobatics or you'll lose your
Number.' Now I'm a regular honest-to-goodness Married Woman and I
don't recognize any Limit except the Sky-Line. I grabbed you because I
knew you had been to all the Places that keep Open and could frame up
a new Jamboree every day in the Year. I'm going to plow an 8-foot
Furrow across Europe and Dine forevermore at Swell Joints where
famous Show Girls pass so close to your Table that you can almost
reach out and Touch them. I'm going to Travel 12 months every Year
and do all the Stunts known to the most imbecile Globe-Trotter."

A few Weeks after that, a Haggard Man with tattered Coat-Tails was
seen going over the old familiar Jumps.
MORAL: Those who Marry to Escape something usually find
Something Else.
THE PROGRESSIVE MANIAC
Once there was a staid and well-behaving Citizen who took home a dab
of Steak, wrapped up in Brown Paper, nearly every Evening, and found
his Excitement by working on the Puzzle Column in the Church Paper.
In order to run out to his Farm and save the Expense of keeping a Gee-
Gee, he purchased a kind of Highway Beetle, known as a Runabout. It
was a One-Lunger with a Wheel Base of nearly 28 inches and two Coal
Oil Gleamers.
When standing still, it panted like a Dachshund and breathed Blue
Smoke through the Gills.
It steered with a Rudder, the same as a Canal Boat, and every time it
started up a 4 per cent Grade it became Black in the Face and tried to
lie down.
All the large brutal-looking Cars with the swollen Wheels came along
and tried to Ditch him. They showed him the same courteous
consideration that would be lavished upon a Colored Republican Orator
in Tuscaloosa, Ala.
When he pulled up alongside of the Road to adjust the Buzzer and
jiggle the Feed and clean the Plug, the idle Spectators would stand
around and remark that the mixture was wrong and the Ignition was a
Punk and the Transmission was a Fliv. So he knew he was In Wrong.
He traded for a dashing 2-Cylinder Affair painted Red, with a Tonneau
as wide and roomy as a Telephone Booth, and approached from the
extreme Rear by a small Door, as in the case of a Blind Pig.

When he turned in the Runabout, he was allowed one Outer Casing and
a Monkey-wrench in Exchange.
He was Some Motorist for about Three Weeks after the delivery of
Juggernaut Number Two. He wore Leather Clothes, the same as Barney
Oldfield.
But when he bumped up against the Owners of the Big Touring Cars he
was just as much at home as a One-armed Man at a Husking Bee.
He began to discover that in the Gasoline Set a Man is rated by the
number of Cylinders he carries.
At the beginning of the Third Season we find him steering a long, low,
rakish Chariot of Fire, with a Clock, a Trunk-Rack, an Emergency Ice-
Box and all the other Comforts of Home. He had learned to smell a
Constable a Mile off and whenever he ran up behind a Pewee Coffee-
Grinder he went into the High and made the Cheap Machine look like a
Fish.
Whenever the Bobbler pointed to anything short of 40 he felt that he
was just the same as standing still.