Knocking the Neighbors | Page 2

Gay Life of the
Modern Babylon, he began to breathe through his Nose and tug at the
Leash.
He longed to dash away on the Erie to look at the Iron Fence in front of
the House of the Pomeranian.
When the Day of Days arrived, Milt and Henry would be seen at the
Depot with congested Suit-Case and their Necks all newly shaven and
powdered for the approaching Jubilee.
Each had pinned into his college-made Suit enough Currency to lift the
Debt on the Parsonage.

Furthermore, each had in his throbbing Heart a determination to shoot
Pleasure as it Flies, no matter how many Cartridges it took.
Already they were smoking Foreign Cigars and these were a mere Hint
of what the Future had in Store.
While waiting for Number Six they wired for Two Rooms and Two
Baths and to have Relays waiting in the Manicure Parlor.
Up at the Junction, where they caught the Limited, they moved into the
High and began to peel from the Roll.
The Steak ordered in the Dining Car hung over the edge of the Table
and they scuffled to see which one would pay the Check.
As for the Boy in the Buffet, every time he heard a Sound like 25 Cents
he came out of the Dark Room and began to open small Original
Packages.
When they approached the Metropolis, via the Tunnel, they thought
they were riding in on a Curtiss Bi-Plane.
Between the Taxi and the Register they stopped to shake hands with an
Old Friend who wore a White Suit and was known from Coast to Coast
as the originator of a Pick-Me-Up which called for everything back of
the Working Board except the License.
The Clerk let on to remember them and quoted a Bargain Rate of Six
Dollars, meaning by the Day and not by the Month.
They wanted to know if that was the Best he had and he said it was, as
the Sons of Ohio were having a Dinner in the Main Banquet Hall.
So they ordered a lot of Supplies sent up to each Room and wanted to
know if there was a Good Show in Town--something that had been
denounced by the Press.
The Clerk told of one in which Asbestos Scenery was used and
Firemen had to stand in the Wings, so they tore over to the News Stand

and bought two on the Aisle for $8 from a pale Goddess who kept
looking at the Ceiling all during the Negotiations, for she seemed out of
Sympathy with her Sordid Surroundings.
Then to the Rooms with their glittering Bedsteads and insulting
prodigality of Towels.
After calling up the Office to complain of the Service, they shook the
Moth Balls out of their Henry Millers and began to sort the Studs.
When fully attired in Evening Clothes, including the Sheet-Iron Shoes,
they knew they looked like New York Club Men and the Flag Station
seemed far away, as in another World.
Instead of the usual 6:30 Repast of Chipped Beef in Cream, Sody
Biscuits and a Stoup of Gunpowder Tea, they ordered up Cape Cods,
Pommes Let-it-go-at-that, Sweetbreads So-and-so, on and on past the
partially heated Duck and Salad with Fringe along the Edges and
Cheese that had waited too long and a Check for $17.40 and the Waiter
peeved at being slipped a paltry $1.60.
Heigh-ho! It is a Frolicking Life!
Pity the Poor Folks who are now getting ready to court the Hay in
Akron, Ohio, and Three Oaks, Michigan, and Tulsa, Oklahoma, with
no thought of what they are Missing.
They remembered afterward being in a gilded Play-House with the
Activities equally divided between a Trap-Drummer and 700 restless
Young Women.
Then, being assailed by the Pangs of Hunger, they went out and
purchased Crab Flakes at 20 cents a Flake, after which they paid to get
their Hats, and next Morning they were back in their rooms, entirely
surrounded by Towels.
On the third Afternoon, Milt suspended Fall Buying long enough to
send his Family a Book of Views showing the Statue of Peter Cooper,

the Aviary in Bronx Park, and Brooklyn Bridge by Moonlight.
Then, with a Clear Conscience, he went back and put his Foot on the
Rail.
The morning on which their Bodies were taken to Pennsylvania Station
broke bright and cheery.
Milt said somebody had fed him a Steam Coie and put Mittens on him
and unscrewed his Knee-Caps.
Otherwise, he was O. K..
Henry kept waving the English Sparrows out of the Way, and asking
why so many Bells were ringing.
Two weeks later, at the Union Revival Services, when Rev. Poindexter
gave out that rousing old Stand-By which begins "Yield Not to
Temptation," Milt and Henry arose from the Cushioned Seats and sang