Knocking the Neighbors

Knocking the Neighbors, by
George Ade

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Title: Knocking the Neighbors
Author: George Ade
Illustrator: Albert Leverrin
Release Date: November 16, 2006 [EBook #19829]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ASCII
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KNOCKING THE NEIGHBORS ***

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KNOCKING THE NEIGHBORS
BY GEORGE ADE AUTHOR OF "THE COLLEGE WIDOW,"

"FABLES IN SLANG," ETC.
Illustrated by Albert Leverin
GARDEN CITY NEW YORK DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
1912
Copyright, 1911, 1912, by GEORGE ADE
Copyright, 1912, by DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
All rights reserved, including that of translation into foreign languages,
including the Scandinavian
CONTENTS The Roystering Blades The Flat-Dweller The Advantage
of a Good Thing The Common Carrier The Heir and the Heiress The
Undecided Bachelors The Wonderful Meal of Vittles The Galloping
Pilgrim The Progressive Maniac Cognizant of our Shortcomings The
Divine Spark Two Philanthropic Sons The Juvenile and Mankind The
Honeymoon That Tried to Come Back The Local Pierpont The Life of
the Party The Galumptious Girl Everybody's Friend and the
Line-Bucker The Through Train The Long and Lonesome Ride Out of
Class B into the King Row The Boy Who Was Told The Night Given
over to Revelry He Should Have Overslept The Dancing Man The
Collision How Albert Sat In The Treasure in the Strong Box The
Old-Fashioned Prosecutor The Unruffled Wife and the Gallus Husband
Books Made to Balance The Two Unfettered Birds The Telltale
Tintype
ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted]
KNOCKING THE NEIGHBORS
THE ROYSTERING BLADES
Out in the Celery Belt of the Hinterland there is a stunted Flag-Station.
Number Six, carrying one Day Coach and a Combination Baggage and
Stock Car, would pause long enough to unload a Bucket of Oysters and

take on a Crate of Eggs.
In this Settlement the Leading Citizens still wear Gum Arctics with
large Buckles, and Parched Corn is served at Social Functions.
Two highly respected Money-Getters of pure American Stock held
forth in this lonesome Kraal and did a General Merchandizing.
One was called Milt, in honor of the Blind Poet, and the other claimed
the following brief Monicker, to wit: Henry.
These two Pillars of Society had marched at the head of the Women
and School Children during the Dry Movement which banished King
Alcohol from their Fair City.
As a result of their Efforts, Liquor was not to be obtained in this Town
except at the Drug Stores and Restaurants or in the Cellar underlying
any well-conducted Home.
For Eleven Months and Three Weeks out of every Calendar Year these
two played Right and Left Tackle in the Stubborn Battle to Uplift the
Community and better the Moral Tone.
They walked the Straight and Narrow, wearing Blinders, Check-Reins,
Hobbles and Interference Pads.
Very often a Mother would hurry her little Brood to the Front Window
when Milt or Henry passed by, carrying under his arm a Package of
Corn Flakes and the Report of the General Secretary in charge of
Chinese Missionary Work.
"Look!" she would say, indicating Local Paragon with index Finger. "If
you always wash behind the Ears and learn your Catechism, you may
grow up to be like Him."
But--every Autumn, about the time the Frost is on the Stock Market
and Wall Street is in the Shock, Milt and Henry would do a Skylark
Ascension from the Home Nest and Wing away toward the rising Sun.

They called it Fall Buying because both of them Bought and both of
them Fell.
At Home neither of them would Kick In for any Pastime more worldly
than a 10-cent M. P. Show depicting a large number of Insane People
falling over Precipices.
The Blow-Off came on the Trip to the City. That was the Big
Entertainment.
Every Nickel that could be held out went into the little Tin Bank, for
they knew that when they got together 100 of these Washers, a man up
in New York would let them have some Tiffany Water of Rare Vintage,
with a Napkin wrapped around it as an Evidence of Good Faith.
On Winter Evenings Milt would don the Velvet Slippers and grill his
Lower Extremities on the ornate Portico such as surrounds every high-
priced Base-Burner.
While thus crisping himself he loved to read New Notes from Gotham.
He believed what it said in the Paper about a well-known Heiress
having the Teeth of her favorite Pomeranian filled with Radium at a
Cost of $120,000.
Whenever he got this kind of a Private Peek into the