Jokes For All Occasions | Page 9

me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."
* * *
Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who
insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he had
no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster
wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most
ponderous senatorial manner:
"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at
other times, but never less."
* * *
It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy
to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:
"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're
tight--that's appetite!"

APPRECIATION
The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth
prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the
picture with some surprise, and remarked:
"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."
"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.
"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed. "That's
Wordsworth, the poet."
The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.
"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for a
study in wrinkles."
ARGUMENT
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over
the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the
leg."
"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"
"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
ART
An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were
telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband
mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve
and the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of
the forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a
remark:
"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed,
because, you see, we know the anecdote."

* * *
The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful
woman which he had seen in an art museum abroad.
"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added,
with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The
name of the statue was Posish'--and it was some posish, believe me!
and the dumb fools spelt it--'Psyche!'"
* * *
"Tell me, does your husband snore?"
"Oh, yes, indeed--so delightfully."
"What?"
"Yes, really--he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only
snores operatic bits, mostly Aida."
* * *
The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.
"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as
$5,000.
"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy
live hogs and----"
His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:
"Don't talk shop."
ATHLETICS
The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her
after field day, at which she had been present.

"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"
Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.
"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked
me."
AUTHORS
A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished
authors. These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one
another and more especially their host, who was not literary. To wake
himself up, he excused himself from the table with a vague murmur
about opening a window, and went out into the hall. He found the
footman sound asleep in a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed
angrily:
"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."
BABIES
The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in
fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in its
mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed gaze
attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.
"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.
"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."
* * *
The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called
squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?
"Porpoises," came one eager answer.
But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:

"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"
BAIT
A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a
colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had
fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad,
and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood the
victim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this moment
that the gentleman arrived on the scene