Jokes For All Occasions | Page 8

to the fact that he had put the saddle on
himself, and had spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his
own back.
ACQUAINTANCE
The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many
the carryall would hold.
"Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel
aquaint."
ACTORS
The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a
friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally.
"The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing
anywhere from two to four pounds."
ADVERTISING
The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one
of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself
never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.

"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the
editor asked.
"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."
In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in an
obscure corner. It read:
"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"
The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He
admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He
agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue, and
this was:
"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."
Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.
AFFECTION
There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A
quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the incident
of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on calling to
condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro in the
living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman spoke
phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his cheeks,
interrupted loudly:
"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it worn't
agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"
AGE
The woman confessed to her crony:
"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes
me by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."

ALIBI
The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the
ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain.
Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and
cried:
"John Henry, are you out there?"
An answer came clearly:
"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"
AMNESTY
The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled
frown.
"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I can't
quite place you somehow."
"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I
was a policeman."
ANATOMY
The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his
message in these words:
"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one
was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"
APPEARANCE
Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and
numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His
mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There
were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:

"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that
naughty Peck boy!"
Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.
"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with
anybody?"
APPEARANCE
The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:
"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"
Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:
"With pleasure."
APPETITE
The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum
for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:
"Who are you?"
"I am Enoch, the egg king."
"What is your specialty?"
"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen
goose eggs, at a single setting."
"Do you know our program?"
"What is it?"
"We give four shows every day."
"Oh, yes, I understand that."

"And do you think you can do it?"
"I know I can."
"On Saturdays we give six shows."
"All right."
"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."
And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.
"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to
sign a contract."
"What?"
"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give