J D Fuentes - Basic Arousal | Page 5

5. MISMATCHING

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8. Verbal Matching, Step-by-Step
(Note: The bulk of this chapter is published in the book Gut Impact,
available from www.sexualkey.com.)
…By the end of this sequence, your listener is wholly enfolded in a
world you are creating.
Thus, simply by acknowledging someone’s existing experience
and then guiding that person bit by bit, you can exert tremendous
pressure on someone’s feelings, pushing someone from his or her initial
position all the way into entirely different emotions and convictions.
Note that the more obvious your remarks, the more likely that,
on an analytical level, your listener will be slightly annoyed and
impatient—though his or her instincts will still be engaged and lulled.
Conversely, the more inobvious (the “deeper”) but still true and
verifiable your remarks, the more trust and responseiveness your remarks
will create.
For help on putting together some “deep,” insightful statements
in relation to your listener, consult the chapters on personality types.
(Note: The section on personality types and how to spot them and deal
with them is also published in Gut Impact, available from
www.sexualkey.com.)

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9. Alignment, or Why Verbal Matching Works
When you Verbally Match someone, you are validating that person’s
perceptions of the physical world—that is, what he sees, feels, or hears—
and/or, that person’s generalizations about the world (e.g., “Men only
want sex,” “Women only want rich men,” “The earth is flat,” “The earth
is roughly spherical,” “Work is fun,” “Work sucks,” “Democrats employ
the politics of resentment,” “Republicans unselfconsciously rely on
advantages secured over generations,” “The sky is green,” “The future is
in plastic,” “This project is tough,” “This project is easy,” “Beliefs are
arbitrary extrapolations from and generalizations of random,
idiosyncratic personal experiences,” “Beliefs are sacred,” etc.).
As we suggested earlier, the instinctive, emotional part of the
mind is always on the lookout for sources of information that verify what
it is experiencing. When you offer a group of truths, the instinctive part
of the mind classifies you as a good source of information. When you
have been classifed as a good source of information, the Other,
instinctively, is moved more powerfully by what you suggest.
Good public speakers and salespeople often begin by saying
things which, frankly, are obvious. They know that while the listener, on
an analytical level, thinks, no kidding, schmuck, to an obvious remark,
that listener, on an instinctual, emotional level, responds with Yes, that’s
true...tell me more.
Several years ago, an internationally famous murder trial
involving a retired sports celebrity-cum-movie star featured a classic case
of very blunt Verbal Matching. The attorney for the defense, a celebrity
in his own right, began his summation to the jury by pointing out some
wonderfully obvious facts: You are in a courtroom; you have heard
testimony from one expert, and another expert, and some other expert;
you have been sitting a long time listening to these things; you have had
to consider a variety of things...
Listening, one thinks, No kidding.
Listening, one senses, Yes, that’s true...tell me more. And
therefore, one listens more closely, and more easily goes along with
what’s said.
The point is that saying things with which the listener agrees
establishes an alignment, a symmetry between your words and your
listener’s experience.
People crave alignment.

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Symmetry makes people feel good. Symmetry causes people to
relax. Symmetry, harmony, and proportionality are, in fact, the
ingredients of beauty, and communication possessed of symmetry is
perceived and experienced as beautiful.
Communication can exhibit two kinds of symmetry, two kinds
of alignment, each of which provides emotional punch. The first kind we
call Internal Alignment, the second, External Alignment.
Internal Alignment is a measure of how well the various
elements of your Output agree with one another. Does your facial
expression match your words? Does your posture match your words?
Does the pitch of your voice match your words? Does your facial
expression match your gestures? Et cetera.
External Alignment is a measure of how well your Output
matches the Output and the emotional and physiological state of the other
person. Do you both look casual and relaxed, with arms not crossed and
legs not crossed? Is one of you smiling, the other scowling? Are you both
speaking in soft tones? Are you breathing at the same pace? Are you
saying things he/she senses or believes to be accurate?
When you exhibit Internal Alignment—when all your
communicative Outputs are offering the same message—your message
has much more impact, and you seem more believable.
When you exhibit External Alignment—when your
communication matches the other person’s sensory experience, or
emotional/physiological state, or abstract beliefs—the other person feels
increasingly similar to you, feels more inclined to trust you, and feels
more inclined to absorb, experience, and learn from what you say.
Verbal Matching is one way of creating External Alignment, but there
are others which we will explore shortly.
A common useful pattern is to establish strong External
Alignment first, and then, when supplying the message or instruction you
want someone to absorb fully, to exhibit strong Internal Alignment.
Make the other person feel good, trust you, and open up to what you say,
and then make sure what you say has an impact.
Examples of External Alignment between you and