How To Get A Man To The Alter | Page 4

hearing before in mixed company. Maybe it was because I was the
only representative of my gender present. Or perhaps it was
because I seemed so interested. But in any case they said things
that most men are never privileged to hear.
"The lie,
(You must have sex
before marriage)
is so
pervasive in
our society that
my social
worker friend
actually
thought she
was in the
wrong for
wanting
marriage
before sex!"

One of the younger women present was a fairly new bride of a
year or two. She was married to a man who, all the women
agreed, was a “stud”.

I had seen him myself, on occasion, when he had come to visit his
wife at the office. Handsome as a movie star, bright, educated, and
well-mannered, he appeared to me to be everything any young
woman could ever hope for when looking for a companion with
whom to share her life.

Once we got on our trip, I got an earful. The women who were
with us were anxious to hear more about how she had caught such
a prize, and I was privileged to “listen in”. Sure enough, she told us, her husband had had
plenty of women after him in his premarital life. And true to the typical male pattern, he
had “been around” – and plenty!!

She could hardly understand herself why he had chosen her. But one fact stood out. She
made it clear that she had held one value above even getting him. Somewhere along the
way she had had it instilled in her to marry as a virgin, and she was determined to do so
even if it meant losing him.

I tell you from my perspective as a man that the young woman was pretty, but that wasn’t
her most attractive quality. Her greatest quality was her stubborn determination to be
accepted on her own terms, and one of those terms was she wasn’t going to bed with a
man until they were married.
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5

How to Get a Man to the Alter without having sex first By Tom McNight

I don’t know where she had gotten such determination – I didn’t detect from that or any
subsequent conversation I ever took part in with her that she had any particular religious
motivations. It was simply a matter of, in her heart, she didn’t feel right giving herself to
a man sexually until he committed his life to her in full – and there was only one way that
would ever be fulfilled: at the marriage altar!

The ironic moment of her revelation to us of this, though, was that when she told us this,
she stopped, blushed a moment, and then begged us, “Please, you guys, don’t ever tell
anyone this… Don’t ever tell anyone that I was a virgin when my husband and I got
married!!”

I was stunned for a moment when I heard her say this. Not because I was surprised that
her husband would prefer her above all the many girls whose bodies he could have for the
asking, but because she was embarrassed by her virginity!!

She didn’t seem to understand that her determination to hold onto her values against his
persuasion to give in, only made her more irresistible to him! She thought she had won
him in spite of her values, when indeed it was those values that were responsible for her
victory! Had she given into his proddings before they got married, she would have
merely wound up one of his many discarded conquests along the way.

It is this kind of distorted thinking that is keeping women in subjection to man, rather
than in partnership with him! The lie is so pervasive in our society that my little social
worker friend actually thought she was in the wrong for wanting marriage before sex!
And she was actually ashamed of it, when she should have been proud!

Her experience illustrates, in spite of this though, how a woman can keep a man on her
line even without engaging in sexual relations with him. Usually, when the woman is
servicing the man it’s the other way around. The man is the one keeping the woman on a
string for many years in the vain hope that someday he’s going to commit and marry her.

The main trick to keep in mind as a woman, though, is simply not to kowtow or act
apologetic in the process of holding out for what you want and deserve –