Handy Andy, vol 2 | Page 6

go through on the hard roads.'"
"'And how do you know what hardship my feet has to go through?' says
the cat, mighty sharp."
"'But, ma'am,' says Tom, 'I don't well see how you could fasten a shoe
on you,' says he."
"'Lave that to me,' says the cat."
"'Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you, pussy?' says Tom, with a
grin."
"'Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat, with a frown."
"'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, 'but as for the horses you wor
spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know their shoes is fastened on with
nails, and how would your shoes be fastened on?'"
"'Ah, you stupid thief!' says she, 'haven't I illigant nails o' my own?' and
with that she gave him a dab of her claw, that made him roar."

"'Ow! murdher!' says he."
"'Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,' says the cat; 'just be
off and get me the shoes.'"
"'Tare an' ouns!' says Tom, 'what'll become o' me if I'm to get shoes for
my cats?' says he, 'for you increase your family four times a year, and
you have six or seven every time,' says he; 'and then you must all have
two pair a piece--wirra! wirra!--I'll be ruined in shoe-leather,' says
Tom.
"'No more o' your stuff,' says the cat; 'don't be stand in' here undher the
hedge talkin', or we'll lose our karacthers--for I've remarked your wife
is jealous, Tom.'
"'Pon my sowl, that's thrue,' says Tom, with a smirk.
"'More fool she,' says the cat, 'for, 'pon my conscience, Tom, you're as
ugly as if you wor bespoke.'
"Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in amazement. He said
nothing to the family, for fear of fright'ning them, and off he went to
the town as he _pretended_--for he saw the cat watching him through a
hole in the hedge; but when he came to a turn at the end of the road, the
dickings a mind he minded the market, good or bad, but went off to
Squire Botherum's, the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the cat."
"Pooh! pooh!--nonsense!!" broke in the little man, who had listened
thus far to Murtough with an expression of mingled wonder and
contempt, while the rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to
nonsense, and enjoyed Murtough's Legend and their companion's more
absurd common sense.
"Don't interrupt him, Goggins," said Mister Wiggins.
"How can you listen to such nonsense?" returned Goggins. "Swear
examinations against a cat, indeed! pooh! pooh!"

"My dear sir," said Murtough, "remember this is a fair story, and that
the country all around here is full of enchantment. As I was telling you,
Tom went off to swear examinations."
"Ay, ay!" shouted all but Goggins; "go on with the story."
"And when Tom was asked to relate the events of the morning, which
brought him before Squire Botherum, his brain was so bewildered
between his corn, and his cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very
confused account of it.
"'Begin your story from the beginning,' said the magistrate to Tom.
"'Well, your honour,' says Tom, 'I was goin' to market this mornin', to
sell the child's corn--I beg your pard'n--my own toes, I mane, sir.'
"'Sell your toes!' said the Squire.
"'No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane--'
"'Take a cat to market!' said the Squire. 'You're drunk, man.'
"'No, your honour, only confused a little; for when the toes began to
spake to me--the cat, I mane--I was bothered clane--'
"'The cat speak to you!' said the Squire. 'Phew! worse than
before--you're drunk, Tom.'
"'No, your honour; it's on the strength of the cat I come to spake to
you--'
"'I think it's on the strength of a pint of whisky, Tom--'
"'By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, it's nothin' but the cat.' And so
Tom then told him all about the affair, and the Squire was regularly
astonished. Just then the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the
parish happened to call in, and heard the story; and the bishop and the
priest had a tough argument for two hours on the subject; the former
swearing she must be a witch; but the priest denying that, and

maintaining she was only enchanted; and that part of the argument was
afterwards referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave at
Rome; but the Pope declined interfering about cats, saying he had quite
enough to do minding his own bulls.
"'In the meantime, what are we to do with the cat?' says Botherum.
"'Burn her,' says the bishop, 'she's a witch.'
"Only enchanted,' said the priest--'and the ecclesiastical court maintains
that--'
"'Bother the ecclesiastical court!' said the magistrate; 'I can only
proceed on